Random, Rambling Thoughts of an INFJ (Part 2)

What am I doing here?

I don't know.

Sometimes, most times, I don't know what I'm doing here. Not really. Sure, I think deep down I've drilled the big philosophical explanation into my mind until I won't forget it, but there's a difference between knowing and knowing.

What am I doing here right now?

I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a cliff, and I'm alright there until I realize I'm that far from an endless fall. I doubt everything that has held me safely there, even God. Sometimes I get such a keen realization of how close I am from trouble that I do stumble and start falling. I fall into doubt, fear, and worry and keep falling and falling till l even doubt the worth of my own life. Suddenly I am someone I don't know, and I remember who I used to be, but it's a dim memory. I want to slap myself in the face to get back to being myself, but I don't even know if I can get back. It's scary -this fall, and yet I find myself in it more often than I like.

Somehow or another, I do eventually clamber back up the cliff. My hands bleeding as they scrape the rock's rough sides to stop my downward spiral. My feet constantly slipping and sliding. My strength wearing thin from how much I exert to win back joy and peace because even though there are Hands to help, I won't let them. I'll ask for help as soon as I get back to the top and forget the darkness of the fall, but when I reach the top, a small fear creeps in and makes me wonder if I've actually secured myself more firmly beside the cliff's edge. Maybe I've only lulled my fears to sleep in a false sense of security. When I was down in the fall, I swore something had to change, but now I'm here, and everything is still the same because I don't know how to make the changes. The fears are still there right below the surface ready to throw me off the next time I suddenly look up in the middle of a crowd or out on a walk by myself and wonder:

What am I doing here?

Musical Album Additions of 2016

It's late. I'm tired. If I tried to go to sleep now, I probably could; eyes glued open with stress and all, but I'm not in bed. I'm here, trying to get maybe one more blogpost out before the new year. It's eight minutes to ten. I'm hanging out in my bedroom (one of the warmest places in the house, surprisingly) with some tea in my favorite snowman mug and a salad (I know, it's strange, and I wouldn't recommend salads at 10 pm, but let me introduce you to someone who gets sick way too often in the Winter. Such a person just gotta eat salads, 10 pm or not...And it's not like I'm going to ever be warm enough to eat a salad in the Winter anyway).  Not long ago I dashed out into the cold (and when I say cold, I mean cold. NOAA says the current temperature was 1 degree an hour ago) to bring the dog (the one and only Cordelia Amelia Bedelia Drexel Biddle) inside to her crate (something we only do when the weather is this cold). On nights like this, I usually empty her outdoor water dish (not heated, mind you) so I don't have an ice nightmare in the morning to deal with, and as I poured the water out, it was instantly crackling and popping as it froze again. I think this is the one time when I can sing the lyrics, "The weather outside is frightful," and mean them.

Onto more important things and the real reason for this blogpost. This is the list of the awesome musical albums I've added to my personal collection through 2016 and why they're so awesome (or not...):

You are an artist,
And your heart is your masterpiece,
And I’ll keep it safe

#1. Atlas by Sleeping at Last

This has to be my favorite of all my CDs of 2016, and it is fighting its way up to being number one of all-time. I discovered Sleeping at Last late 2014 but hadn't bought any of his work until this year (possibly because if you buy a 32- song CD, it can be expensive). Ryan O'Neal is, in my opinion, one of the most brilliant lyricists of our time. When I've read how he writes each song, I'm mind-blown at his intricate and creative process. He truly paints pictures with his words, and they are the most magical, hopeful, and beautiful pictures. I don't know. I pretty much love every single song on this CD (if, IF I had to pick, it would be 'I'll Keep You Safe'), and I could probably write about his music for a lot longer than this, but I should stop now...all the other CDs are going to pale in comparison.

In the best way, you’ll be the death of me.

#4. Lights Out by Ingrid Michaelson

I had heard some of Ingrid's music way back when I first began blogging (the first round when I was fourteen years-old or so) and a blogger I followed recommended her. At that time the music wasn't really my style, but in late 2014, I discovered her again (her music was featured on the Moms' Night Out soundtrack), and so when she released her Lights Out album, I gave it a listen and have liked her since. I don't have so many specific reasons for liking her. I guess I like the feel of her music and the different viewpoint that I get to see through on more familiar subjects, and then there are definite times when her word use really...well...makes my soul sing. My favorite song might be 'Wonderful Unknown' (if I had to choose). It was one of those where I thought the lyrics were interesting and vague and kinda perfect in a way. Quick fact: I'd totally use this in the picture slideshow if I got married.

No one's gonna wait for you

So do it now
Do it right now
Don't waste a minute on the darkness and the pity sitting in your mind
And do it right now

#5. Human Again by Ingrid Michaelson


Strangely, after liking her newest album so much, I didn't go and listen to her older albums (and I still haven't, besides this one), but in September of this year, I listened through this one and bought it with some Birthday money. I probably haven't listened through it enough since I don't know all the songs by heart yet, but again, I love the feel. Since there are quite a few songs I like on it, though (and none that I particularly dislike), I'll just pick "Do It Now".

So if You can hear me,
I could use You right about now.
If You can hear me,
could You send some peace?
Because the devils walking in my soul,
And all I really wanna know
Is that You can hear me?

#6. The Walking in Between by Ben Rector

It's really a shame having to rank these albums because if I spent money on them, they have to be pretty good, and this one is no exception. I've liked pretty much loved all of Ben Rector's music since I discovered him on Noisetrade back in 2011. Again it's not so much the profoundness of his lyrics that caught me, but it's the feel and his voice and the tunes. He was one of the first artists where I realized a Christian could make good and awesome music without it being worship anthems (although there's nothing wrong with worship anthems).  My favorite on this album is probably 'If You Can Hear Me' (or 'Sailboat' or 'I Like You') because it has more of the realistic lyrics. Worship anthems are great, but lots of the time, I'm having the thoughts echoed in 'If You Can Hear Me' or 'Sailboat'.

What will it look like?
What will it be like?
When my world turns out like you planned.
When will I get there? Feels like I'm nowhere.
My dreams are like dust in my hair.
But I, I know.

That this is the waiting.
I anxiously wait.
'Cause I hold on to love that will never let go.
And in these times that my patience is tested,
Won't you remind me that I'm not home?

Here in the waiting.
The waiting. The waiting.

#8. Ready to Fly by Jamie Grace

With most other people,  I first heard Jamie Grace on the radio, and I bought this album on a whim because of three songs - 'The Waiting' (which is my favorite on the album because, again, I can relate to it the most. It echoes the wonderings of my heart), 'Do Life Big', and 'To Love You Back' (argh, maybe this is my favorite), and because of those three songs, I don't regret buying it. The other songs on this album are upbeat and good, but emotionally, they get a pass over from me.

And I hold my favorite thing -
I hold the love that you bring,
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again,
And the colors are golden and bright again.
There's a song in my heart. I feel like I belong.
It's a better place since you came along

#2. Wildfire by Rachel Platten

My bro showed me her EP with a few songs which I thought were catchy earlier last year. Then my brother brought this album for me out of the blue as a late Christmas present; so I went in not really sure what it was going to be like, but I ended up really loving it. The album is really upbeat (even when the songs aren't exactly upbeat) and catchy. I started taking it with me in the car all the time which probably made me like it even more (nothing beats turning up the bass on songs like these). There's one song on it that has some really suggestive stuff, but other than that, she has a lot of very emotional and raw songs on it. Her lyrics might be more on the simple/typical side, but I felt as though she spoke my language on some of the songs, and I also love the story behind the 'Fight Song'. My favorite song is on the whole CD is probably 'Better Place' because it's so happy and it's one of those things I grasp onto - the idea that your presence makes such a difference in someone's life. That you're not an 'extra' but an important and essential part. My second favorite is 'You Don't Know My Heart'. There's nothing I hate more than being misunderstood, and I'm not very good at communicating through speech.

So keep your eyes set on the horizon,
On the line where blue meets blue,
And I bet that silver lining,
Well I know it'd find you soon
'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you,
But my messages don't seem to make it through

#7. Be Here by Rachel Platten

Last year, I heard '1000 Ships' (which was the very beginning of knowing who Rachel Platten is) on Spotify's Discover Weekly playlist, and it continues to be my favorite on this CD (not for any reason in particular...just because it's catchy and happy sounding) with '53 Steps' a close second (though, I'm always singing, 'Nothing Ever Happens'). This isn't as polished (she released it independently) as her second album. Some of the songs seem a little forced, but it still carries the catchiness of the second. Oh, and I actually went to see her in concert in September. She was performing at the fair for free. I should have paid extra to get in the 'ticket section' because let me tell you, the free section's enthusiasm was just sad...And, of course, out of all the songs she could have played, she had to play the most objectionable one, and I had persuaded the pastor's daughter to go with me. Kinda embarrassing...

Everybody's gon' die.
Don't everybody live though.
Sometimes I look up to the sky
And wonder do You see us down here?

Oh Lord, oh Lord, do You see us down here?
Oh Lord, oh Lord

#3. Therapy Session by NF

Because of how much I loved NF's last album, I bought this one instantly. At first I didn't like it as much as Mansion and was a bit disappointed. It seemed like he sang a lot more about the music industry/the challenges of being an artist/the fakeness of most rappers than subjects/feelings I can relate to, and there's a lot more straight rap, I think, on this one than the first, and I like an even mixture of singing and rap, but after a good amount of listens, I do like it (still maybe not to the extent of Mansion). It has his very raw, at times, heart wrenching lyrics. I think what I search for a lot in musical artists nowadays is realness/rawness, and he is the consistently rawest lyricist I have heard. You can tell he writes from his soul.  'How Could You Leave Us?' just kills me every time. My favorite song on this one is probably 'Oh Lord' because 'How Could You Leave Us?' is way too sad to be a favorite.

So what new albums have you added to your collection this past year? Have you listened to any of these? Did you listen to any of these after I brought their awesomeness to your attention, and if so, what did you think? Are you guys turning into ice cubes like me?

If you see a downgrade in my writing, it's because the time is now far past my bedtime, but I wanted to get this done because we're off to Virginia early, early next Wednesday, and we'll be back just before the new year. I don't know how much time I'll have while we're there. If I'm not around before Christmas, I hope all your Christmases are lovely!

Afterthought: Yes, I do realize my numbering is not in order. I'm awesome like that :) (And I'm kinda lazy...honestly...I was fighting too much up with format as it is...) .

Random, Rambling Thoughts of an INFJ (#1)

Sometimes you meet someone, and you wonder if that person is going to play a significant role in your life, or at least, I wonder that sometimes. I wonder if this one conversation I have with a stranger has the potential of changing the trajectory of my life. In other peoples' lives, simple conversations did change everything for them, but they probably didn't realize the importance until much later in their lives.

Sometimes I'm hoping so desperately for God to give me a sign or a nudge or some indication I'm right where I'm suppose to be that I give more meaning to these interactions than they really deserve (I don't really buy into deep, deep meaning in most things. I'm not instantly going to think, "Oh! I found an art teacher. That means God wants me to pursue art fulltime and go to art school.").  I also believe God puts people in your life for certain reasons, but people are deeply flawed and even the most well-meaning individuals can put real roadblocks in your path. I have trouble trusting other peoples' advice for my life because I don't feel like they know me well enough to give something more than the generic advice.

Yet, I know God does use people as signposts, and I don't want to be so busy waiting for some direct message straight from God (which probably isn't going to come) that I miss the message He sends through a flawed but loving individual. If the person says something I don't like (but the advice/words are still from God), I don't want to just dismiss it as the person's personal opinion because people are flawed and they don't understand me and blah, blah, blah. What happens if you don't pay enough attention to something that was supposed to be very, very important? Or do you believe if something is suppose to happen, it happens? I guess some of this comes down to whether you believe in free-choice or if all of this is inevitable.

Welcome to my brain. This is the place where my thoughts go in complete circles. ALL the time.

Yesterday, I had one of those moments when I wondered if a conversation with a complete stranger was truly God-sent (with the clear message of 'Chill out.'). I went to another Christmas concert at a church (Big band/Jazz. Four trombones, four trumpets, four French horns, a tuba, piano, bass, and drums = Pretty awesome), and afterwards they had a reception which I went to briefly. Ended up sitting across from a lady who works as a band teacher. She wanted to know if I was musically inclined, and I said I have dabbled in learning a few instruments. She ended up telling me that she didn't go back to school until she was twenty-four (I'm not currently in college, but that's a whole different story), but by that time, she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

This stranger ended up giving me the encouragement I hoped to receive from other people in my life of high important who instead have mostly misunderstood my choices or not tried to help in anyway, not even in prayer (which is something I'm realizing I desperately, desperately need). She said she'd pray that I would know the way God would have me go, and maybe those are just words, but for a stranger to say them to me when our conversation hadn't been too deep and revealing meant a lot to me. In a way, with our brief conversation, it seemed like she understood a lot of my inner thoughts that I didn't vocalize when I said I was working and 'in-between things'. For someone to be understanding - it really means a lot, and you don't always realize that.

It seems strange that I
Was yours before
You knew my name,
And I knew yours,
And yet, I felt you,
Long before your hand
Reached out to softly,
Gently meet mine.
Your touch is so familiar
As if I've felt you
Since the beginning of time-
Stop. Withdraw the touch.
I've already lost myself
Down into the depths of you,
But we must go slow,
Even though you and I know
We've known one another
Since before the sands of time.
Slowly, softly, gently,
Let me learn your voice
As I have already learned your touch.
Let me draw inside my mind
The carefully sculptured lines
Of your face - your frown, your smile.
Let me learn the details
That I have yearned to know
When I felt your fleeting touch
Before I could find you.
Don't touch me, please,
Or I will lose my breath,
Or this beating heart will explode
With all its aches
And hopes and dreams and breaks.
I am so raw and naked
Beneath your searching eyes.
I cannot hide my broken.
I cannot hide my pride.
I cannot hide the times
When I stole myself away from you
As I waited and waited and waited
To feel a touch no longer fleeting.

Afterthought: Five inches of snow today, and still snowing last I checked.

So, we're here at the last month of the year. I can't help but feel a little melancholy, especially since I spent the month of November mostly being sick. Nothing like that to get you down, and now I've sailed seamlessly into another cold...so December might be sick month too. Them little kids be germ beasts. As I searched through the pictures from my phone to remember exactly what I did, I didn't find a whole lot.

Meet Cordelia Amelia Bedelia Drexel Biddle...or you know, Cordy. First, right up, I'd like to say, she is not mine. Definitely, most absolutely, not mine. However, I'm the person who takes care of her...99% of the time. She is the bane of my existence. What can you expect, though? She is 100% lab. It kinda goes without saying that her energy level means she's jumping off walls all the time.  She's giving me 'the look'  here because I happen to have the tennis ball, and tennis balls are her absolute favoritest things in the world. Want her complete attention? Just show her a ball. If I break any bones, it will be because I've gotten between her and ball.

"Hello, mountain majestic, you old friend of mine. You are not so fearsome to me for you are the familiar shape in the corner of my sky."  (Thought this was so beautiful. Pardon the telephone in front of Mt. Adams.)

Ta-da! Not perfect, obviously, but I did finish. So, points for that.

Gotta talk about Thanksgiving and pies. Definitely pies. My mom made the crust then I made the innards and rolled the dough out. Despite popular belief, this is a sweet potato pie, not pumpkin. I'm kinda happy with how it looked.

Granny Smith apple pie! We went the day before into the neighbor's orchard and gleaned the apples off the tree ourselves. We've been doing it for a few years now. Mostly we dry the apples or make them into applesauce, but they weren't too sour for a pie. Mom said it was the most beautifullest/prettiest pies she's ever seen. I rolled this one out and made the topping. I also ate it for about three breakfasts afterwards. Pie + cheese for breakfast = awesomeness.

I made these overnight rolls. Bread is one of my favorite things to make. It's so satisfying. And fills the house with warmth and good smells. Thanksgiving itself was a bit of a let down. This is the first Thanksgiving that my grandma would be included; so we were actually going to do the whole caboodle (we usually just wait and have the 'caboodle' with my mom's extended family). The morning came. My mom was coming down with a cold. We spent all day baking and making. My grandma called and said she felt terrible because she had come down with the sickness too, and my sis was dogsitting an old dog she couldn't leave. So it was just my aunt, my parents, and me. Still tasted good. Still ate way too much (gee, don't you think after sixteen years of eating with my own judgement, I might actually not eat too much at Thanksgiving? Evidently the answer is no), but it was still disappointing.

These were suppose to be 'quick' rolls. These were not quick rolls. Still took about two hours and thirty minutes, but they were good. I'm trying to do better with meal planning and stuff, and if I make soup, I always want to make bread to go with it.

It was cold. I didn't feel good (didn't know I was getting sick again). It was going to get colder, and I needed to finish covering plants with leaves, but I stayed in and made these instead. A type of French Baguette. Forgot the slits, but it was so good...

Last night, armed with a good supply of cough drops, I went to the Symphony's Christmas Concert. It was really lovely. They did a good combination of religious music and 'Winter Wonderland' type stuff. It's a rather lovely thing for them to be funded by donation rather than by the city because then they have more freedom to choose what they do. Last Christmas I went to the Marine Corps' Band's concert in Hawaii, and they had to keep all their music strictly secular. It was still a real fun concert, but I missed the good ol' Christmas carols.

The concert was at the Capitol Theater - a building I've always been in awe of. It's elegance is completely out of place. I've gone to two rock concerts here...talk about strange. Heh. The symphony played the Hallelujah chorus, and everyone stood up. I didn't quite understand the 'why' but followed suit. Evidently (do any of you know this? Please say you didn't. Make me feel better :P ), when this piece of music was first ever played, the King of England was so moved by it that he stood up, and everyone else had to also. Now it's a tradition, and people carry it on...whether they know why or not...

I've always loved watching live music, especially at these types of things. I never tire of watching the different people play all the different instruments. It's just so glorious. They also had two choirs join them which is also something I enjoy listening to. And the city's jazz sextet (and I loveeeee Jazz). The church I attend is fairly small, so sometimes I forget the feeling of being entirely immersed in singing voices. At the end of the concert, they had the audience sing along as they went through a medley of different songs. My favorite was when everyone sang 'Joy to the World'. It was so full, and to think, Heaven will be like that. Every voice joining together in perfect unity to sing praises to God. Now it's finally beginning to feel like Christmas.

So many of the traditions that my parents made when we were growing up are no longer, and it's sometimes hard to make Christmas still feel like Christmas, but I try. What about you, gals and guys? Have you found that to be true? Or are traditions traditions, come hell or high water? What time of activities do you do?

I wanted to share some music with you, but I was having a hard time deciding what. Finally made the decision to share one of my favorite Christmas songs from my favorite Christmas album of all time. The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album. Most of the songs are original or very little heard elsewhere so you haven't grown sick and tired of them, if you feel that way about most Christmas music. I just think his album holds all the things I love most about Christmas time. Please listen, and if you like the song here, go check out the rest of his album and tell me what you think!

They dropped like flies
Till it was just you and I.
What an awkward combination.
What an awkward conversation.
We speak of our friends
As if we haven't seen them for years,
Even though it was them -
They're the reason we're here
In this awkward combination,
Having this awkward conversation.
You laughed when you shouldn't
When I said what I couldn't.
I cringed at the sound of my voice
As I thought I'd give words to my thoughts.
As if my thoughts could actually
Take the awkward from our combination
And the awkward from our conversation.
In theory, we are friends,
Or friends of friends,
And that would be enough,
But I can't seem to say what I mean,
And you assume I am what I say.
So why did they think
We would be more than an awkward combination
Having an uncomfortably awkward conversation?
I won't dare to lift my eyes
For fear they'll meet yours,
And you'll read right through
To the very, vulnerable center of me.
Yet, this conversation goes on and on and on.
Wouldn't you think we've had enough
Of this awkward combination of you and me?
Of this awkward conversation -
Light enough to stink,
Deep enough to make me believe
I might just be forming a friendship
That's bigger than me.
Are you genuine when you say what you say?
Is there a mockery play buried beneath your dancing eyes?
But you don't speak,
And I don't speak.
"Are you afraid of me?"
You ask, finally freeing the silence.
I pause at the question,
The thought I suddenly have.
What a funny thing!
To think that I'm as intimidating to you
As you are to me.
What an awkward combination.
What an awkward conversation.

So, despite all my complaining, writing a synopsis isn't that terrible. I managed to finish the first draft of one synopsis, and I'm still alive...so...that's good. I've been following the Go Teen Writers blog (if you don't know what that is, it's a blog written by three different published writers. They give a whole ton of advice and encouragement. If you're a writer, you should check it out) for awhile now. One of the writers on there wrote about her process. She is a seatofthepants writer at heart (like me), but since she has become published, she had to change her process around a little. What she does is write the first three chapters of a book so she can kinda get a feel for it, then she writes the synopsis. That way the synopsis isn't as boring or difficult to write since she is still discovering the story as she writes it.

I didn't think it would work for me, but I gave it a shot all the same. I wrote the first three chapters of a story (it's been a long, long time since I've started a new story from scratch. I got the feeling that I didn't know how to write a new story or new characters. Such a bad feeling) then the synopsis. I think it worked (still a little fuzzy on what makes a perfect synopsis). I have a pretty clear idea of what the story will be like when I work on completing the first draft, and if I find some other aspects or twists in the story, I can (should) be able to easily add them in.

Now...I am working on the synopsis for the book I've been working on for the past six (seven? eight?) years, and let me tell you, it is a whole ton harder to write a synopsis for a book you've already written. I have about ten pages written on it right now...which is a cause of panic for me because a synopsis is suppose to be 2-4 pages. Yeah...

I ended up breaking it down to the individual plot lines, and then I'll weave them in accordingly. Sadly, because I've been so lazy about the writing of synopses (please tell me that is the plural of 'synopsis'), I have a whole lot to catch up on. It'll make me really good at it, right? I'll have it down to an art...No...probably not. I still don't know what I'm doing...which brings me to another question: How many stories can you successfully think about at once? For the past week, I've been working on three. Two synopses and the first three chapters of another book ( which is going to be a YA Space Opera. Three cheers for knowing the genre before you start writing - also something you really should do. Be wise, not like me, and figure these things out). I haven't started this many books at once for awhile, but I've actually started feeling the heart of my latest which makes me happy because I was wondering if I'd ever be able to write another story than the one I've been working on for...an eternity.

Yep, writing is good, and when writing is good, things are hopeful.

How about you guys? Do you write? Tell me all about your woes.

I think you're like the wind,
Coming when I least expect it,
Touching my face with a soft
And cool and careful hand.
Touching my hair like it's more yours
Than mine - freely, softly and careful.
Your presence like a beam of sunlight,
Cheerful on a cloudy day.
You slip past my defenses
In your soft and careful way.
You give me a smile,
A heaping handful of joy
when I don't expect it.
You forced yourself deep inside,
Only to withdraw,
dragging pieces of me with you.
Yes, I think you are the wind,
Stopping, ceasing, disappearing
Without a word of goodbye.
I don't have the strength to withstand,
Withstand your alluring touch
Or the way you make me feel -
Joyful, free, lost at sea.
You make me laugh as easily
As you make me weep.
You reach in far too deep
To places others ignore.
You make me ache and break
And build again from the base.
Am I better or am I worse
Because of who I am with you?
Oh wind, come sweeping back to me.
You can be a breeze,
Not always a hurricane.
After you touch my darkest parts,
Can you look me in the eyes?
You know you have the same inside -
That's why you're always back,
And is it also why you hide?
Can you not bear to see broken
In someone other than yourself?

Sending out an SOS to people smarter than me. So, I discovered I've been following all these blogs anonymously, and when I changed it to public, I was suddenly following them with my non-existent Google plus profile instead of my blogger one, even though in my settings it says I will be following with my blogger profile. Argh. Someone please tell me you had the same issue. Blogger used to be easy. This time around I couldn't even find the followers gadget without extra help! All I need in life is two identities. This one girl named 'Meaghan' follows your blog, but this other girl named 'The Sagebrush Girl' lurks on the edges and comments at random...HELP.

There was snow on the foothills this morning, and the air held a sharper, icier bite to it. I probably should have worn a scarf and maybe some gloves since I am still sick. Been sick for the past seven days. Sick enough not to be able to work which is frustrating with the holidays coming up (and the need for some extra money). I've drunk more hot tea than I have ever drunk in my entire life (Peppermint? Licorice? Check, check. Good Earth Sweet and Spicy? Check. Breathe Easy? Check. Throat Coat? Yep. A pot or two of each). I've been sick long enough for my friend from SC to hear my complaining and send me a more tea to drink. I think I'm officially a tea drinker now. People, don't get this sickness. Don't. It's miserable.

Also, it's not advisable to have a job where you end up getting sick 1/2 the time you do it. I work with kids on Tuesdays. There's usually three of us to at least 9 toddlers (all the way from when they start to walk till they are two-years-old). It sounds easy enough. Mostly they just cry all the time - In fact, I hardly know what non-crying kids look like anymore - Then I get smothered with germs. I get sick. I get well enough to go the next week. Then I finish getting well. Go again. Get sick. There have been better years (I'm finishing my second year), but this has definitely not been one of those. Those people who work solely in childcare are my heroes. How do they do it???

Anyhow, these times really drive me absolutely and totally crazy. I can't bake. I can only spend limited time outside. I try to write (but it's debatable how well one's brain works while sick. Do you find your brain to be bit out of it while you're sick?). I do some art. Some music ('cause singing totally works while you're sick), but I am not really able to do anything that equates 'work'. Pretty much I feel like I've wasted the entire week, and that's so frustrating to me.

I'm always torn. On one hand - Life is not a sprint. It's more of an endurance race. You can't burn yourself out on the 'little' things. You've got to rest and build yourself back up. "Rest when you need to but never quit." - Somebody (don't know). Great advice, but where is the line between resting and laziness? My brain always does that. Let's pick apart the tiniest details.

On the other hand - I get told repeatedly that life is short. Don't waste it. It'll fly by if you close your eyes. It's short so make sure what you're doing is truly important in the grand scheme. Don't choose the comfortable or easy way because this life isn't for that. You get Heaven and all of eternity to rest and be filled. Don't be content with comfortable. Put your heart and soul into work for the Kingdom.

I'm sure anyone would probably say both of those are true to a *certain* extent, but to what extent? They probably won't tell you that. It's easier for me to have the latter mindset -life is short. Do things that matter - I like to look towards the bigger picture. Work towards a bigger, lasting goal. It's my personality. I get told often that I can't do everything, and I tend to think, "How do you know how much you can do if you don't try?"

So when I am forced to take a week (1/52th of a year) off from doing anything of noticeable worth, it's hard not to be bothered. To be frustrated. To feel like I haven't done anything at all. So, what do you do with weeks like this? And how do you teach your mind to view mundane things as still worth something?

P.S. There's snow in the forecast! Friday night. It's not going to stick or anything, but it's still there. I might stay up all night to see it so then we can have snowflakes sandwiches, and no, it's your imagination, I'm not 21. I'm really just 10 :P

Me: "Yeah...I don't think this writing a synopsis thing is going to work for me..."

My Brain: "Um...you're going to do it. I'm only asking for fifteen minutes of your time."

Me: "I'm sick. I had a fever yesterday. I do not have to write any silly synopsis."

My Brain: "You can't use that as an excuse! You've been making excuses for the last week, and I've been letting you make them, but this is the end. Work on the silly synopsis RIGHT NOW!"

Me: "Suuurrrreee...See, I've got you distracted writing another blogpost instead of writing the synopsis. We'd do everything and anything rather than writing a synopsis."

My Brain: "Good grief..."

*note* They forgot to include the 'talking to yourself' part.

"If only they had been able to grasp the larger scope of God's plan for them sooner! Yet how could they, in the midst of their temporal suffering, perceive that often God's infinite answers to our finite prayers reach their victorious fulfillment only through His work in generations to come? As His ways are higher than our ways, so is the inexhaustible depth of His plan for reconciliation beyond the limited vision of our earthbound eyes." - Michael Phillips

This week has got my head spinning in circles.  Mainly because of  the US general election (it's my first time to vote in one of these...only 18ish more to go. This is why people don't live terribly long lives...), but with the election comes all sorts of other thoughts, and I would write them all down, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Besides, I'm fairly certain everyone is sick and tired of hearing everyone's opinions already. There's enough screams to go around - screams of anger/mourning and screams of glee and rejoicing.  At least, to me, it feels like they're screams; whether they are or not. My reaction hasn't been in either of those camps. I'm surprised. Yep, mostly surprised. And I'm grieved at how divided we, as a country, are. How hate-filled both sides are - I honestly didn't want to vote for either sides before the election because of that. I did not feel either side truly represented me.

I got the feeling that both candidates must really hate America since their campaigns mostly consisted of how awful the other person and his/her supporters are. Did they really expect us to come together after the election? The reactions to this election don't surprise me. I get the feeling that each election will leave us more and more disjointed at this rate. Something has to change, but it won't unless people really, truly change, and how can we since our natural bent is towards everything ugly and detestable? Either I'm a racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. etc. bigot or I'm a superior, politically correct, etc. etc. libtard. Pick your insults cause there is no middle ground.

It's a messy place out there right now. In times like these, you realize just how broken everything is. I'm planning to hide under my rock (okay, not literally...) till the storm blows over because my personality was not made for this sort of thing. I hate being misunderstood. I get too emotional too quickly if I try to discuss things. I would seriously give up on this thing if I didn't have faith in something bigger than myself and all the other flawed human beings in existence. This I know - before the election I prayed not that the candidate I voted for would win, but that God's will would be done. If it's God's will, what does it matter if it isn't ours? We play our small parts, but God is the Blessed Controller of ALL Things. That grants us true confidence. We do not have to put our hope and trust in flawed human beings who cannot save us. And all my hope, every ounce, is in God.

On another note, if the results of one election is going to make you move to Canada, what made you love your country in the first place? I really, really want to know the answer to this question.

Also, another randomness, would you rather be loved with a love that sees no fault in anything you do or loved with a love that loves in spite of your faults?

I started writing a blogpost last night, but I only got as far as "October is gone." before I stopped. I was forced to by some peppers I had cut up to put into a hamburger soup for dinner coming back to take vengeance. They were just some Banana peppers which are suppose to mild, but my hands were set aflame with burning and continued to burn much of the night. Not even aloe vera made them better, but here I am, attempting again to get this post done.


Anyways, I rather like October, and not just because it's my Birthday month. Even though Autumn technically keeps going until the middle of December, I always feel like October is the most Autumnish month. The trees are changing colors all through the month, then in November, they fall. And it's gray. And dark. And cold. Till snow falls, covering everything in a beautiful garment of white. Then it's Winter; whether or not it's still technically Fall. But now I'm getting ahead of myself. These are some random photos I took on my phone throughout October:

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my favorite chicken (No particularly reason other than that she is cute), Coriander. Here, however, her beauty and cuteness has been stolen because she is molting. It can be quite an embarrassing process for chickens. Pretty much everyone picks on them, and they want to disappear off the face of the earth. It's sad, in a comical way.

When I was growing up, my dad used to make five loaves of bread every week, but sometimes mom would steal one of the loaves and make it into cinnamon rolls instead. Well, I'm the bread baker now, and I decided to do the same. Have to say they were some of the best cinnamon rolls I've had for awhile.

Just a little bit of Autumn around the property. You can't hardly tell, but this is the pond. It's just beside the loop I take the dog on every morning and evening.

Another place on the loop. Such an interesting contrast, right? Beautifully yellow trees and then the sagebrush and cheat.

It's not the best picture, but this barn is getting close to at least 90 years of age. My great-grandpa either bought the property with it already there in the 1920s or built it. It's a bit sad. They're trying to decide what to do with it.

Another old building from way back when. There's nothing I love taking pictures of  better than old buildings and landscape. I've been taking pictures of it for the last six years in different weathers and seasons. I have a better one on my actual camera, but sometimes it's easier to get photos from my phone into these posts than from my camera.

Just out our front door. Gives you a little bit of an idea how Autumn looks in the pear orchard. Gorgeous view.

Now this may seem a little weird, but I love mushrooms. Well, I don't love eating them. I just find them really fascinating. They seem so unreal.

And this year they've appeared everywhere. All different kinds. It might be because we had 3 inches of rain in October rather than our normal 0.5. There's a mushroom club in town, and every October they have a mushroom show with all the mushrooms they've found in the county. We went last year for the first time. It was pretty cool. This year we couldn't because of a previous engagement.

This isn't a lovely looking food, but I was working on doing meal planning a little better the past two weeks, and I made this: A Chickpea, Butternut Squash, Coconut Curry. It was good in spite of its appearance and the fact it had Cilantro (evidently whether cilantro tastes good to you or not really depends on your genetics). Plus, crockpot.

As I was trying to get back into the habit of art, I had a few false starts (including the eye I posted a picture of awhile back), but I'm hoping to get somewhere with this. Just pastels, but I love pastels.

We were heading to Portland for a wedding, and we stopped somewhere. I love moss. It's so cool and weird.

This is from Oregon looking back across the Columbia River at Washington.

Multnomah Falls in Oregon. I have a better picture on my camera I might post of the whole thing. This is just the top. Very beautiful place.

I can't believe I'm showing you a picture of my face in a so-so selfie. You can't even tell my (I'm on the left) hair has red lowlights. Anyway, selfie at the wedding.

There was a large gazebo where the reception (meal and dancing) took place. Just thought it was so cool.

It was in Portland, Oregon. This place is called The Victorian Belle. It was built in the late 1800s.  It's crazy big and fancy, but most of the wedding occurred outside (it was cold enough to turn into an icicle, but then, I walked in the grass, and my feet got cold...so that was kinda the end).

This was the actual backdrop for the wedding. If I ever own a house, I'd really like for it to have a porch all around the outside...or the majority of the outside.

Finally last Sunday, we went up as tradition to see the Fall colors along the river and the Tamarac trees on the pass. It was a cloudy, rainy day but still beautiful. For one section, I had my window down and was taking pictures out of it...as the rain and cold came in. Ended up kinda freezing myself. Haven't looked at the pictures from my camera for that, though...There was an area where the contrast in colors made it just so beautiful. At the top of the pass, the fog was very thick, and the workers were out preparing for the coming snow by putting 10 ft. poles on the guard rails so the snowplows know where the edge of the road is. This highway is the defense highway so they have to keep it open all Winter long.

I hope you guys had a lovely October!

"...I'm a little kid, and so are you
Don't you go and grow up before I do
I'm a little kid with so much doubt
Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?"

I found this song along with a few others in a Noisetrade sampler (if you don't know what this is, go google it. Noisetrade is an awesome website. I've found so many good artists on there, and they are all ones that you probably haven't heard of. You help them build a fan base by giving them your contact information, and you get a sample of their songs). The first few listens of this song left me with the impression that it was catchy but not much else. Now it's growing on me.

Afterthought: Most of the music I listen to doesn't sound like this ;)

How do you comfort a friend who has been affected by a horrific, senseless tragedy?

What do you even begin to say? What do you do?

I don't think we are taught to truly be comforters. There are some people who have learned to fill that role. There are some who has been gifted with the ability to comfort in times of heartbreak, and then there are people like me who yearn with all their heart to play the part but feel so helpless.

Society overlooks the truth of life - nothing really matters except for the people we come into contact with during our lives - for a selfish substitute. It is built into us to selfishly look after our own needs and wants, and that bleeds into relationships. Many, many relationships have no depth because they are built on what the other person can do for you instead of the person. No worries if you lose one, there are plenty more out in the world. Lots of the time you aren't friends with a person because you think the person is genuinely wonderful, you are friends so you don't have to be alone. So you can tell them all about your life. Your achievements. Your annoyances.

Except, not necessarily about the things that really matter, and with that kind of foundation for a relationship, how would we be capable of comforting each other? To comfort someone else is to dig down deep, deep. It is forcing yourself to experience empathy and to acknowledge and sometimes to hurt. Why would we do that for someone who is just there to fill a hole in our social circles?

It's true - even when we try to truly comfort, our love can't always reach down to the deep parts of another's heartache. When true heartbreak comes, only God can heal. Only God can fill the hopeless void that appears in our aching hearts. The true Comforter is God and only God.

And so, because we don't have words or actions or we can't even fathom the sorrow, we say, "I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers."

Maybe this friend is in our prayers, but if we've experienced heartbreak, we know the depression, the hopelessness, and the aching sorrow continues on long after those seven words fade from our memory, long after we are remembered in someone else's prayers, long after life moves on.

I know these things so I don't want to be apathetic. Even if I don't see her for a week or a month after this tragedy has happened, I don't want to come up to her and pretend like none of it occurred because she will never forget this. It will always be a memory that makes her heart ache. What is the point of having a friend, of being a friend, if you pretend like everything is always fine and dandy? If that is what a relationship comes down to, then I don't want one.

I want depth, even if it means hurting.

I suck at discussing the emotionally important things face to face. I can encourage. I can do facts. I can do funny, but when it comes to genuine rawness, I can't. If it does come out, it comes out in a blubbering, stuttering mess, and I feel stupid. Sometimes I attempt to let people know what I'm truly feeling or how much they actually mean to me through written word, but I end up doubting if even the recipients of my sad attempts truly understand what I meant when I wrote what I wrote. Sometimes it feels like I am writing to a wall by the way my truthfulness slides right off and disappears. I'll spend money on gifts, hoping my love and appreciation will come through, but all of it ends up making me feel naked and like I've just thrown my pearls out to the swine.

I don't know if this is just because of my personality, but I don't think it is entirely. I think a lot of people don't know how to hurt together, to be broken together. So we hurt alone. Isolated inside of ourselves. We're not suppose to be islands, but we are, and that makes the hurt last.

When I had my wisdom teeth pulled out, a friend came over with a movie to entertain me through my misery, but when my grandfather was hit by a car and in a coma for a week before he died, I was alone. I cried every single night that whole week when I'd take the dogs on a walk. Sure, I had family around, but I don't even think families know how to hurt together. When he was finally taken off of life support, my parents were down in California with my grandmother, and I was here with my two older siblings, but I might as well have been alone.

We don't know how to say when we need someone. We don't even know when we need someone.

But I said only God can truly comfort another's ache? That is true, but we can be the way He does it. Of ourselves, we are nothing, but in each of us is a small example of His love, of His grace, of His mercy. We can't fix everything because of our feeble flesh and bones, but we can be part of the band aid or the stitches.

So what am I suppose to do to comfort someone whose friend was shot and killed at random as he drove home from a youth ministry he volunteered? What am I suppose to say to someone who is surrounded by the individuals who were witnesses to the senseless tragedy?

She bears her sorrows and the sorrows of everyone around her, and I only wish I could somehow help her bear the burden.

I could never hate you
Just because you are all I lack.
I could never hold
Your gifts against you.
After all, it's not your fault
That you are who you are.
I wouldn't feel this way
If I didn't like you a little bit.
It's just your sunshine-
I am warmed by its rays
Until you turn away,
And then I'm left so cold,
So cold and very dim.
No one notices me.
They couldn't, not beside you,
But it's not your fault,
And I cannot hate you for it.
I'm just cold, that's all.
I don't know how it is
That you can turn off and on your light
Or look completely away,
Leaving me so cold and all alone.
I stand at a distance,
Watching you among others.
I am hungry for your light.
I want it. I want you,
But really, I just want your heart,
Your joy, your laugh, your light.
I guess I do want you,
But my light is not a strong one.
It points inwards not towards another.
Maybe if I had a spark,
You'd see me alone in the corner,
And the spark would ignite your light,
But I am not the same as you.
I do not hate you for it.
I just wish I wasn't so cold
And could shine a little bit brighter.

I like predictability and normal and schedules.  I like being able to know what I am doing, what I'm working towards, and what is going to happen throughout the day, even if that is totally unrealistic. Spur of the moment isn't something I do all that great with. Most times my immediate reaction to things is definitely 'no', but given time, my negativity usually dissipates, and sometimes, I'll even see the positive in these random, sudden changes. It just takes time. I need time.

I've also found I like to keep things low-key. I don't like to draw attention to myself. I'll be perfectly content to be in the background where no one draws attention to me. Even in my clothing style, I've found that I am drawn towards dark colors that just blend all together in harmony. You won't find me in vibrant colors all that often.

Yet, every year around my Birthday, I get this strong urge to do something drastic. To do something utterly different than the normal. Everyone expects a certain thing from  me; so I want to do something that throws them off. It's a strange feeling for someone whose middle name is 'don't draw attention to myself', and most times these feelings bring nothing to fruition because my other 3/4ths get the best of me.

But this year, this year was different. What I did wasn't huge or terribly earth-shaking, but it was something I hadn't ever seen myself doing before, and now, after almost a week, I like the results.

I got these violet/red lowlights in my hair. The cool thing (which kinda fits right up my alley) is they aren't always noticeable. In some lights, it's just too dark to really know if the light is shining differently on my hair or if the color is something else. Other lights, you most definitely know. Right after I did it, we went clothes shopping, and the dressing room had a certain kind of light which made me totally do a 'What on earth have I done?!?'

Sometimes it looks pink. Sometimes it looks more violetish. Sometimes it is the red I was going for, but I'm happy with the results. Maybe most people won't notice, but I'll know, and once in a while, the color might catch someone else's eye for a brief moment. It's fun.

I also cut thirteen inches of my hair off at the same time, but that's a totally different story...which...is taking a lot more to get used to. I might post a picture if I ever catch the right lighting.

I'm 21 now.

In fact, I've been 21 for twelve days now.

It's not like I imagined - this being 21 thing. I feel about the same actually, and I truly wish I didn't. I'd like to feel a little bit older. A little bit more mature. A little bit more like I have this life thing under control (even though I know of pretty much no one who has it under control).

I have this small portion of me forever full of optimism, faith, and hope. It has a full time job combatting all my uncertainties and negativities. If someone should listen to my thoughts when I'm in a situation where I'm uncomfortable, they'd probably hear: "You can do this! You can do this! Come on. You've got this. You know you do."

No, I really don't know if I got this. Sometimes I have to start filling my mind with those thoughts on the silliest, stupidest things that everybody else would be able to do in a breeze. Inside, sometimes, I still feel like I'm 6 years-old, but...each person's path is different, I suppose. Some people take longer than others. I'm one of those who must be a turtle. It's just my pace. It always has been. I keep telling people I don't do quick, and I don't.

But it's okay, I think.

So, I'm 21 now.

I've grown so much. I've come so far, but I still have a long, long, long (10x) way to go, and it's frustrating because even though slow is my pace, at the same time, my mind (and the world) thinks I should be farther along in life. Externally, I might even seem less along than I know I've come internally, and it has to be okay with me so I won't care if it's not okay with the world. I have to define my own version of success, and I know when I do, it won't look anything like the world's version of success.

And that will be okay, too,

Because I'm 21 now, and I'm officially an adult.

People will disagree with my choices now. People will sometimes think the choices I make are utter mistakes, but except for a few people I trust the most, other people's opinions won't be more important than mine because I am not a little kid any more. This is the time where my decisions involve less people and more of just me and God.

I am 21, and it's scary.

And because I am an awesome 21-year-old, I went to the Seattle Aquarium for my Birthday with the parents (who were already going to be in Seattle that day for a medical appointment...so, part of my Birthday involved hospital waiting room fun), and it was awesome and amazing, and fish are cooler than I thought (probably thanks to watching Finding Dory this Summer. Still can't remember much of Finding Nemo but watched that one once 13 years ago). So are Jellyfishes.

This stuff fascinated me as much as the actual fishes. So colorful.

See? Jellyfish are awesome!

I think these are the fish where the males keep the eggs in their mouth until they hatch and baby versions of them come swimming out. Super weird but fascinating, right?

Another example of awesomeness.

Another awesome part of my Birthday was getting a large box in the mail from my Penpal of 9 and 1/2 hours. It was unexpected, and therefore, one of the best parts. Nothing like going out on your front porch and almost tripping over a big box addressed to you (that you didn't have to pay for).