They dropped like flies
Till it was just you and I.
What an awkward combination.
What an awkward conversation.
We speak of our friends
As if we haven't seen them for years,
Even though it was them -
They're the reason we're here
In this awkward combination,
Having this awkward conversation.
You laughed when you shouldn't
When I said what I couldn't.
I cringed at the sound of my voice
As I thought I'd give words to my thoughts.
As if my thoughts could actually
Take the awkward from our combination
And the awkward from our conversation.
In theory, we are friends,
Or friends of friends,
And that would be enough,
But I can't seem to say what I mean,
And you assume I am what I say.
So why did they think
We would be more than an awkward combination
Having an uncomfortably awkward conversation?
I won't dare to lift my eyes
For fear they'll meet yours,
And you'll read right through
To the very, vulnerable center of me.
Yet, this conversation goes on and on and on.
Wouldn't you think we've had enough
Of this awkward combination of you and me?
Of this awkward conversation -
Light enough to stink,
Deep enough to make me believe
I might just be forming a friendship
That's bigger than me.
Are you genuine when you say what you say?
Is there a mockery play buried beneath your dancing eyes?
But you don't speak,
And I don't speak.
"Are you afraid of me?"
You ask, finally freeing the silence.
I pause at the question,
The thought I suddenly have.
What a funny thing!
To think that I'm as intimidating to you
As you are to me.
What an awkward combination.
What an awkward conversation.

So, despite all my complaining, writing a synopsis isn't that terrible. I managed to finish the first draft of one synopsis, and I'm still alive...so...that's good. I've been following the Go Teen Writers blog (if you don't know what that is, it's a blog written by three different published writers. They give a whole ton of advice and encouragement. If you're a writer, you should check it out) for awhile now. One of the writers on there wrote about her process. She is a seatofthepants writer at heart (like me), but since she has become published, she had to change her process around a little. What she does is write the first three chapters of a book so she can kinda get a feel for it, then she writes the synopsis. That way the synopsis isn't as boring or difficult to write since she is still discovering the story as she writes it.

I didn't think it would work for me, but I gave it a shot all the same. I wrote the first three chapters of a story (it's been a long, long time since I've started a new story from scratch. I got the feeling that I didn't know how to write a new story or new characters. Such a bad feeling) then the synopsis. I think it worked (still a little fuzzy on what makes a perfect synopsis). I have a pretty clear idea of what the story will be like when I work on completing the first draft, and if I find some other aspects or twists in the story, I can (should) be able to easily add them in.

Now...I am working on the synopsis for the book I've been working on for the past six (seven? eight?) years, and let me tell you, it is a whole ton harder to write a synopsis for a book you've already written. I have about ten pages written on it right now...which is a cause of panic for me because a synopsis is suppose to be 2-4 pages. Yeah...

I ended up breaking it down to the individual plot lines, and then I'll weave them in accordingly. Sadly, because I've been so lazy about the writing of synopses (please tell me that is the plural of 'synopsis'), I have a whole lot to catch up on. It'll make me really good at it, right? I'll have it down to an art...No...probably not. I still don't know what I'm doing...which brings me to another question: How many stories can you successfully think about at once? For the past week, I've been working on three. Two synopses and the first three chapters of another book ( which is going to be a YA Space Opera. Three cheers for knowing the genre before you start writing - also something you really should do. Be wise, not like me, and figure these things out). I haven't started this many books at once for awhile, but I've actually started feeling the heart of my latest which makes me happy because I was wondering if I'd ever be able to write another story than the one I've been working on for...an eternity.

Yep, writing is good, and when writing is good, things are hopeful.

How about you guys? Do you write? Tell me all about your woes.

I think you're like the wind,
Coming when I least expect it,
Touching my face with a soft
And cool and careful hand.
Touching my hair like it's more yours
Than mine - freely, softly and careful.
Your presence like a beam of sunlight,
Cheerful on a cloudy day.
You slip past my defenses
In your soft and careful way.
You give me a smile,
A heaping handful of joy
when I don't expect it.
You forced yourself deep inside,
Only to withdraw,
dragging pieces of me with you.
Yes, I think you are the wind,
Stopping, ceasing, disappearing
Without a word of goodbye.
I don't have the strength to withstand,
Withstand your alluring touch
Or the way you make me feel -
Joyful, free, lost at sea.
You make me laugh as easily
As you make me weep.
You reach in far too deep
To places others ignore.
You make me ache and break
And build again from the base.
Am I better or am I worse
Because of who I am with you?
Oh wind, come sweeping back to me.
You can be a breeze,
Not always a hurricane.
After you touch my darkest parts,
Can you look me in the eyes?
You know you have the same inside -
That's why you're always back,
And is it also why you hide?
Can you not bear to see broken
In someone other than yourself?

Sending out an SOS to people smarter than me. So, I discovered I've been following all these blogs anonymously, and when I changed it to public, I was suddenly following them with my non-existent Google plus profile instead of my blogger one, even though in my settings it says I will be following with my blogger profile. Argh. Someone please tell me you had the same issue. Blogger used to be easy. This time around I couldn't even find the followers gadget without extra help! All I need in life is two identities. This one girl named 'Meaghan' follows your blog, but this other girl named 'The Sagebrush Girl' lurks on the edges and comments at random...HELP.

There was snow on the foothills this morning, and the air held a sharper, icier bite to it. I probably should have worn a scarf and maybe some gloves since I am still sick. Been sick for the past seven days. Sick enough not to be able to work which is frustrating with the holidays coming up (and the need for some extra money). I've drunk more hot tea than I have ever drunk in my entire life (Peppermint? Licorice? Check, check. Good Earth Sweet and Spicy? Check. Breathe Easy? Check. Throat Coat? Yep. A pot or two of each). I've been sick long enough for my friend from SC to hear my complaining and send me a more tea to drink. I think I'm officially a tea drinker now. People, don't get this sickness. Don't. It's miserable.

Also, it's not advisable to have a job where you end up getting sick 1/2 the time you do it. I work with kids on Tuesdays. There's usually three of us to at least 9 toddlers (all the way from when they start to walk till they are two-years-old). It sounds easy enough. Mostly they just cry all the time - In fact, I hardly know what non-crying kids look like anymore - Then I get smothered with germs. I get sick. I get well enough to go the next week. Then I finish getting well. Go again. Get sick. There have been better years (I'm finishing my second year), but this has definitely not been one of those. Those people who work solely in childcare are my heroes. How do they do it???

Anyhow, these times really drive me absolutely and totally crazy. I can't bake. I can only spend limited time outside. I try to write (but it's debatable how well one's brain works while sick. Do you find your brain to be bit out of it while you're sick?). I do some art. Some music ('cause singing totally works while you're sick), but I am not really able to do anything that equates 'work'. Pretty much I feel like I've wasted the entire week, and that's so frustrating to me.

I'm always torn. On one hand - Life is not a sprint. It's more of an endurance race. You can't burn yourself out on the 'little' things. You've got to rest and build yourself back up. "Rest when you need to but never quit." - Somebody (don't know). Great advice, but where is the line between resting and laziness? My brain always does that. Let's pick apart the tiniest details.

On the other hand - I get told repeatedly that life is short. Don't waste it. It'll fly by if you close your eyes. It's short so make sure what you're doing is truly important in the grand scheme. Don't choose the comfortable or easy way because this life isn't for that. You get Heaven and all of eternity to rest and be filled. Don't be content with comfortable. Put your heart and soul into work for the Kingdom.

I'm sure anyone would probably say both of those are true to a *certain* extent, but to what extent? They probably won't tell you that. It's easier for me to have the latter mindset -life is short. Do things that matter - I like to look towards the bigger picture. Work towards a bigger, lasting goal. It's my personality. I get told often that I can't do everything, and I tend to think, "How do you know how much you can do if you don't try?"

So when I am forced to take a week (1/52th of a year) off from doing anything of noticeable worth, it's hard not to be bothered. To be frustrated. To feel like I haven't done anything at all. So, what do you do with weeks like this? And how do you teach your mind to view mundane things as still worth something?

P.S. There's snow in the forecast! Friday night. It's not going to stick or anything, but it's still there. I might stay up all night to see it so then we can have snowflakes sandwiches, and no, it's your imagination, I'm not 21. I'm really just 10 :P

Me: "Yeah...I don't think this writing a synopsis thing is going to work for me..."

My Brain: "Um...you're going to do it. I'm only asking for fifteen minutes of your time."

Me: "I'm sick. I had a fever yesterday. I do not have to write any silly synopsis."

My Brain: "You can't use that as an excuse! You've been making excuses for the last week, and I've been letting you make them, but this is the end. Work on the silly synopsis RIGHT NOW!"

Me: "Suuurrrreee...See, I've got you distracted writing another blogpost instead of writing the synopsis. We'd do everything and anything rather than writing a synopsis."

My Brain: "Good grief..."

*note* They forgot to include the 'talking to yourself' part.

"If only they had been able to grasp the larger scope of God's plan for them sooner! Yet how could they, in the midst of their temporal suffering, perceive that often God's infinite answers to our finite prayers reach their victorious fulfillment only through His work in generations to come? As His ways are higher than our ways, so is the inexhaustible depth of His plan for reconciliation beyond the limited vision of our earthbound eyes." - Michael Phillips

This week has got my head spinning in circles.  Mainly because of  the US general election (it's my first time to vote in one of these...only 18ish more to go. This is why people don't live terribly long lives...), but with the election comes all sorts of other thoughts, and I would write them all down, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Besides, I'm fairly certain everyone is sick and tired of hearing everyone's opinions already. There's enough screams to go around - screams of anger/mourning and screams of glee and rejoicing.  At least, to me, it feels like they're screams; whether they are or not. My reaction hasn't been in either of those camps. I'm surprised. Yep, mostly surprised. And I'm grieved at how divided we, as a country, are. How hate-filled both sides are - I honestly didn't want to vote for either sides before the election because of that. I did not feel either side truly represented me.

I got the feeling that both candidates must really hate America since their campaigns mostly consisted of how awful the other person and his/her supporters are. Did they really expect us to come together after the election? The reactions to this election don't surprise me. I get the feeling that each election will leave us more and more disjointed at this rate. Something has to change, but it won't unless people really, truly change, and how can we since our natural bent is towards everything ugly and detestable? Either I'm a racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. etc. bigot or I'm a superior, politically correct, etc. etc. libtard. Pick your insults cause there is no middle ground.

It's a messy place out there right now. In times like these, you realize just how broken everything is. I'm planning to hide under my rock (okay, not literally...) till the storm blows over because my personality was not made for this sort of thing. I hate being misunderstood. I get too emotional too quickly if I try to discuss things. I would seriously give up on this thing if I didn't have faith in something bigger than myself and all the other flawed human beings in existence. This I know - before the election I prayed not that the candidate I voted for would win, but that God's will would be done. If it's God's will, what does it matter if it isn't ours? We play our small parts, but God is the Blessed Controller of ALL Things. That grants us true confidence. We do not have to put our hope and trust in flawed human beings who cannot save us. And all my hope, every ounce, is in God.

On another note, if the results of one election is going to make you move to Canada, what made you love your country in the first place? I really, really want to know the answer to this question.

Also, another randomness, would you rather be loved with a love that sees no fault in anything you do or loved with a love that loves in spite of your faults?

I started writing a blogpost last night, but I only got as far as "October is gone." before I stopped. I was forced to by some peppers I had cut up to put into a hamburger soup for dinner coming back to take vengeance. They were just some Banana peppers which are suppose to mild, but my hands were set aflame with burning and continued to burn much of the night. Not even aloe vera made them better, but here I am, attempting again to get this post done.


Anyways, I rather like October, and not just because it's my Birthday month. Even though Autumn technically keeps going until the middle of December, I always feel like October is the most Autumnish month. The trees are changing colors all through the month, then in November, they fall. And it's gray. And dark. And cold. Till snow falls, covering everything in a beautiful garment of white. Then it's Winter; whether or not it's still technically Fall. But now I'm getting ahead of myself. These are some random photos I took on my phone throughout October:

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my favorite chicken (No particularly reason other than that she is cute), Coriander. Here, however, her beauty and cuteness has been stolen because she is molting. It can be quite an embarrassing process for chickens. Pretty much everyone picks on them, and they want to disappear off the face of the earth. It's sad, in a comical way.

When I was growing up, my dad used to make five loaves of bread every week, but sometimes mom would steal one of the loaves and make it into cinnamon rolls instead. Well, I'm the bread baker now, and I decided to do the same. Have to say they were some of the best cinnamon rolls I've had for awhile.

Just a little bit of Autumn around the property. You can't hardly tell, but this is the pond. It's just beside the loop I take the dog on every morning and evening.

Another place on the loop. Such an interesting contrast, right? Beautifully yellow trees and then the sagebrush and cheat.

It's not the best picture, but this barn is getting close to at least 90 years of age. My great-grandpa either bought the property with it already there in the 1920s or built it. It's a bit sad. They're trying to decide what to do with it.

Another old building from way back when. There's nothing I love taking pictures of  better than old buildings and landscape. I've been taking pictures of it for the last six years in different weathers and seasons. I have a better one on my actual camera, but sometimes it's easier to get photos from my phone into these posts than from my camera.

Just out our front door. Gives you a little bit of an idea how Autumn looks in the pear orchard. Gorgeous view.

Now this may seem a little weird, but I love mushrooms. Well, I don't love eating them. I just find them really fascinating. They seem so unreal.

And this year they've appeared everywhere. All different kinds. It might be because we had 3 inches of rain in October rather than our normal 0.5. There's a mushroom club in town, and every October they have a mushroom show with all the mushrooms they've found in the county. We went last year for the first time. It was pretty cool. This year we couldn't because of a previous engagement.

This isn't a lovely looking food, but I was working on doing meal planning a little better the past two weeks, and I made this: A Chickpea, Butternut Squash, Coconut Curry. It was good in spite of its appearance and the fact it had Cilantro (evidently whether cilantro tastes good to you or not really depends on your genetics). Plus, crockpot.

As I was trying to get back into the habit of art, I had a few false starts (including the eye I posted a picture of awhile back), but I'm hoping to get somewhere with this. Just pastels, but I love pastels.

We were heading to Portland for a wedding, and we stopped somewhere. I love moss. It's so cool and weird.

This is from Oregon looking back across the Columbia River at Washington.

Multnomah Falls in Oregon. I have a better picture on my camera I might post of the whole thing. This is just the top. Very beautiful place.

I can't believe I'm showing you a picture of my face in a so-so selfie. You can't even tell my (I'm on the left) hair has red lowlights. Anyway, selfie at the wedding.

There was a large gazebo where the reception (meal and dancing) took place. Just thought it was so cool.

It was in Portland, Oregon. This place is called The Victorian Belle. It was built in the late 1800s.  It's crazy big and fancy, but most of the wedding occurred outside (it was cold enough to turn into an icicle, but then, I walked in the grass, and my feet got cold...so that was kinda the end).

This was the actual backdrop for the wedding. If I ever own a house, I'd really like for it to have a porch all around the outside...or the majority of the outside.

Finally last Sunday, we went up as tradition to see the Fall colors along the river and the Tamarac trees on the pass. It was a cloudy, rainy day but still beautiful. For one section, I had my window down and was taking pictures out of it...as the rain and cold came in. Ended up kinda freezing myself. Haven't looked at the pictures from my camera for that, though...There was an area where the contrast in colors made it just so beautiful. At the top of the pass, the fog was very thick, and the workers were out preparing for the coming snow by putting 10 ft. poles on the guard rails so the snowplows know where the edge of the road is. This highway is the defense highway so they have to keep it open all Winter long.

I hope you guys had a lovely October!