Random, Rambling Thoughts of an INFJ (Part 2)

What am I doing here?

I don't know.

Sometimes, most times, I don't know what I'm doing here. Not really. Sure, I think deep down I've drilled the big philosophical explanation into my mind until I won't forget it, but there's a difference between knowing and knowing.

What am I doing here right now?

I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a cliff, and I'm alright there until I realize I'm that far from an endless fall. I doubt everything that has held me safely there, even God. Sometimes I get such a keen realization of how close I am from trouble that I do stumble and start falling. I fall into doubt, fear, and worry and keep falling and falling till l even doubt the worth of my own life. Suddenly I am someone I don't know, and I remember who I used to be, but it's a dim memory. I want to slap myself in the face to get back to being myself, but I don't even know if I can get back. It's scary -this fall, and yet I find myself in it more often than I like.

Somehow or another, I do eventually clamber back up the cliff. My hands bleeding as they scrape the rock's rough sides to stop my downward spiral. My feet constantly slipping and sliding. My strength wearing thin from how much I exert to win back joy and peace because even though there are Hands to help, I won't let them. I'll ask for help as soon as I get back to the top and forget the darkness of the fall, but when I reach the top, a small fear creeps in and makes me wonder if I've actually secured myself more firmly beside the cliff's edge. Maybe I've only lulled my fears to sleep in a false sense of security. When I was down in the fall, I swore something had to change, but now I'm here, and everything is still the same because I don't know how to make the changes. The fears are still there right below the surface ready to throw me off the next time I suddenly look up in the middle of a crowd or out on a walk by myself and wonder:

What am I doing here?

Musical Album Additions of 2016

It's late. I'm tired. If I tried to go to sleep now, I probably could; eyes glued open with stress and all, but I'm not in bed. I'm here, trying to get maybe one more blogpost out before the new year. It's eight minutes to ten. I'm hanging out in my bedroom (one of the warmest places in the house, surprisingly) with some tea in my favorite snowman mug and a salad (I know, it's strange, and I wouldn't recommend salads at 10 pm, but let me introduce you to someone who gets sick way too often in the Winter. Such a person just gotta eat salads, 10 pm or not...And it's not like I'm going to ever be warm enough to eat a salad in the Winter anyway).  Not long ago I dashed out into the cold (and when I say cold, I mean cold. NOAA says the current temperature was 1 degree an hour ago) to bring the dog (the one and only Cordelia Amelia Bedelia Drexel Biddle) inside to her crate (something we only do when the weather is this cold). On nights like this, I usually empty her outdoor water dish (not heated, mind you) so I don't have an ice nightmare in the morning to deal with, and as I poured the water out, it was instantly crackling and popping as it froze again. I think this is the one time when I can sing the lyrics, "The weather outside is frightful," and mean them.

Onto more important things and the real reason for this blogpost. This is the list of the awesome musical albums I've added to my personal collection through 2016 and why they're so awesome (or not...):

You are an artist,
And your heart is your masterpiece,
And I’ll keep it safe

#1. Atlas by Sleeping at Last

This has to be my favorite of all my CDs of 2016, and it is fighting its way up to being number one of all-time. I discovered Sleeping at Last late 2014 but hadn't bought any of his work until this year (possibly because if you buy a 32- song CD, it can be expensive). Ryan O'Neal is, in my opinion, one of the most brilliant lyricists of our time. When I've read how he writes each song, I'm mind-blown at his intricate and creative process. He truly paints pictures with his words, and they are the most magical, hopeful, and beautiful pictures. I don't know. I pretty much love every single song on this CD (if, IF I had to pick, it would be 'I'll Keep You Safe'), and I could probably write about his music for a lot longer than this, but I should stop now...all the other CDs are going to pale in comparison.

In the best way, you’ll be the death of me.

#4. Lights Out by Ingrid Michaelson

I had heard some of Ingrid's music way back when I first began blogging (the first round when I was fourteen years-old or so) and a blogger I followed recommended her. At that time the music wasn't really my style, but in late 2014, I discovered her again (her music was featured on the Moms' Night Out soundtrack), and so when she released her Lights Out album, I gave it a listen and have liked her since. I don't have so many specific reasons for liking her. I guess I like the feel of her music and the different viewpoint that I get to see through on more familiar subjects, and then there are definite times when her word use really...well...makes my soul sing. My favorite song might be 'Wonderful Unknown' (if I had to choose). It was one of those where I thought the lyrics were interesting and vague and kinda perfect in a way. Quick fact: I'd totally use this in the picture slideshow if I got married.

No one's gonna wait for you

So do it now
Do it right now
Don't waste a minute on the darkness and the pity sitting in your mind
And do it right now

#5. Human Again by Ingrid Michaelson


Strangely, after liking her newest album so much, I didn't go and listen to her older albums (and I still haven't, besides this one), but in September of this year, I listened through this one and bought it with some Birthday money. I probably haven't listened through it enough since I don't know all the songs by heart yet, but again, I love the feel. Since there are quite a few songs I like on it, though (and none that I particularly dislike), I'll just pick "Do It Now".

So if You can hear me,
I could use You right about now.
If You can hear me,
could You send some peace?
Because the devils walking in my soul,
And all I really wanna know
Is that You can hear me?

#6. The Walking in Between by Ben Rector

It's really a shame having to rank these albums because if I spent money on them, they have to be pretty good, and this one is no exception. I've liked pretty much loved all of Ben Rector's music since I discovered him on Noisetrade back in 2011. Again it's not so much the profoundness of his lyrics that caught me, but it's the feel and his voice and the tunes. He was one of the first artists where I realized a Christian could make good and awesome music without it being worship anthems (although there's nothing wrong with worship anthems).  My favorite on this album is probably 'If You Can Hear Me' (or 'Sailboat' or 'I Like You') because it has more of the realistic lyrics. Worship anthems are great, but lots of the time, I'm having the thoughts echoed in 'If You Can Hear Me' or 'Sailboat'.

What will it look like?
What will it be like?
When my world turns out like you planned.
When will I get there? Feels like I'm nowhere.
My dreams are like dust in my hair.
But I, I know.

That this is the waiting.
I anxiously wait.
'Cause I hold on to love that will never let go.
And in these times that my patience is tested,
Won't you remind me that I'm not home?

Here in the waiting.
The waiting. The waiting.

#8. Ready to Fly by Jamie Grace

With most other people,  I first heard Jamie Grace on the radio, and I bought this album on a whim because of three songs - 'The Waiting' (which is my favorite on the album because, again, I can relate to it the most. It echoes the wonderings of my heart), 'Do Life Big', and 'To Love You Back' (argh, maybe this is my favorite), and because of those three songs, I don't regret buying it. The other songs on this album are upbeat and good, but emotionally, they get a pass over from me.

And I hold my favorite thing -
I hold the love that you bring,
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again,
And the colors are golden and bright again.
There's a song in my heart. I feel like I belong.
It's a better place since you came along

#2. Wildfire by Rachel Platten

My bro showed me her EP with a few songs which I thought were catchy earlier last year. Then my brother brought this album for me out of the blue as a late Christmas present; so I went in not really sure what it was going to be like, but I ended up really loving it. The album is really upbeat (even when the songs aren't exactly upbeat) and catchy. I started taking it with me in the car all the time which probably made me like it even more (nothing beats turning up the bass on songs like these). There's one song on it that has some really suggestive stuff, but other than that, she has a lot of very emotional and raw songs on it. Her lyrics might be more on the simple/typical side, but I felt as though she spoke my language on some of the songs, and I also love the story behind the 'Fight Song'. My favorite song is on the whole CD is probably 'Better Place' because it's so happy and it's one of those things I grasp onto - the idea that your presence makes such a difference in someone's life. That you're not an 'extra' but an important and essential part. My second favorite is 'You Don't Know My Heart'. There's nothing I hate more than being misunderstood, and I'm not very good at communicating through speech.

So keep your eyes set on the horizon,
On the line where blue meets blue,
And I bet that silver lining,
Well I know it'd find you soon
'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you,
But my messages don't seem to make it through

#7. Be Here by Rachel Platten

Last year, I heard '1000 Ships' (which was the very beginning of knowing who Rachel Platten is) on Spotify's Discover Weekly playlist, and it continues to be my favorite on this CD (not for any reason in particular...just because it's catchy and happy sounding) with '53 Steps' a close second (though, I'm always singing, 'Nothing Ever Happens'). This isn't as polished (she released it independently) as her second album. Some of the songs seem a little forced, but it still carries the catchiness of the second. Oh, and I actually went to see her in concert in September. She was performing at the fair for free. I should have paid extra to get in the 'ticket section' because let me tell you, the free section's enthusiasm was just sad...And, of course, out of all the songs she could have played, she had to play the most objectionable one, and I had persuaded the pastor's daughter to go with me. Kinda embarrassing...

Everybody's gon' die.
Don't everybody live though.
Sometimes I look up to the sky
And wonder do You see us down here?

Oh Lord, oh Lord, do You see us down here?
Oh Lord, oh Lord

#3. Therapy Session by NF

Because of how much I loved NF's last album, I bought this one instantly. At first I didn't like it as much as Mansion and was a bit disappointed. It seemed like he sang a lot more about the music industry/the challenges of being an artist/the fakeness of most rappers than subjects/feelings I can relate to, and there's a lot more straight rap, I think, on this one than the first, and I like an even mixture of singing and rap, but after a good amount of listens, I do like it (still maybe not to the extent of Mansion). It has his very raw, at times, heart wrenching lyrics. I think what I search for a lot in musical artists nowadays is realness/rawness, and he is the consistently rawest lyricist I have heard. You can tell he writes from his soul.  'How Could You Leave Us?' just kills me every time. My favorite song on this one is probably 'Oh Lord' because 'How Could You Leave Us?' is way too sad to be a favorite.

So what new albums have you added to your collection this past year? Have you listened to any of these? Did you listen to any of these after I brought their awesomeness to your attention, and if so, what did you think? Are you guys turning into ice cubes like me?

If you see a downgrade in my writing, it's because the time is now far past my bedtime, but I wanted to get this done because we're off to Virginia early, early next Wednesday, and we'll be back just before the new year. I don't know how much time I'll have while we're there. If I'm not around before Christmas, I hope all your Christmases are lovely!

Afterthought: Yes, I do realize my numbering is not in order. I'm awesome like that :) (And I'm kinda lazy...honestly...I was fighting too much up with format as it is...) .

Random, Rambling Thoughts of an INFJ (#1)

Sometimes you meet someone, and you wonder if that person is going to play a significant role in your life, or at least, I wonder that sometimes. I wonder if this one conversation I have with a stranger has the potential of changing the trajectory of my life. In other peoples' lives, simple conversations did change everything for them, but they probably didn't realize the importance until much later in their lives.

Sometimes I'm hoping so desperately for God to give me a sign or a nudge or some indication I'm right where I'm suppose to be that I give more meaning to these interactions than they really deserve (I don't really buy into deep, deep meaning in most things. I'm not instantly going to think, "Oh! I found an art teacher. That means God wants me to pursue art fulltime and go to art school.").  I also believe God puts people in your life for certain reasons, but people are deeply flawed and even the most well-meaning individuals can put real roadblocks in your path. I have trouble trusting other peoples' advice for my life because I don't feel like they know me well enough to give something more than the generic advice.

Yet, I know God does use people as signposts, and I don't want to be so busy waiting for some direct message straight from God (which probably isn't going to come) that I miss the message He sends through a flawed but loving individual. If the person says something I don't like (but the advice/words are still from God), I don't want to just dismiss it as the person's personal opinion because people are flawed and they don't understand me and blah, blah, blah. What happens if you don't pay enough attention to something that was supposed to be very, very important? Or do you believe if something is suppose to happen, it happens? I guess some of this comes down to whether you believe in free-choice or if all of this is inevitable.

Welcome to my brain. This is the place where my thoughts go in complete circles. ALL the time.

Yesterday, I had one of those moments when I wondered if a conversation with a complete stranger was truly God-sent (with the clear message of 'Chill out.'). I went to another Christmas concert at a church (Big band/Jazz. Four trombones, four trumpets, four French horns, a tuba, piano, bass, and drums = Pretty awesome), and afterwards they had a reception which I went to briefly. Ended up sitting across from a lady who works as a band teacher. She wanted to know if I was musically inclined, and I said I have dabbled in learning a few instruments. She ended up telling me that she didn't go back to school until she was twenty-four (I'm not currently in college, but that's a whole different story), but by that time, she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

This stranger ended up giving me the encouragement I hoped to receive from other people in my life of high important who instead have mostly misunderstood my choices or not tried to help in anyway, not even in prayer (which is something I'm realizing I desperately, desperately need). She said she'd pray that I would know the way God would have me go, and maybe those are just words, but for a stranger to say them to me when our conversation hadn't been too deep and revealing meant a lot to me. In a way, with our brief conversation, it seemed like she understood a lot of my inner thoughts that I didn't vocalize when I said I was working and 'in-between things'. For someone to be understanding - it really means a lot, and you don't always realize that.

It seems strange that I
Was yours before
You knew my name,
And I knew yours,
And yet, I felt you,
Long before your hand
Reached out to softly,
Gently meet mine.
Your touch is so familiar
As if I've felt you
Since the beginning of time-
Stop. Withdraw the touch.
I've already lost myself
Down into the depths of you,
But we must go slow,
Even though you and I know
We've known one another
Since before the sands of time.
Slowly, softly, gently,
Let me learn your voice
As I have already learned your touch.
Let me draw inside my mind
The carefully sculptured lines
Of your face - your frown, your smile.
Let me learn the details
That I have yearned to know
When I felt your fleeting touch
Before I could find you.
Don't touch me, please,
Or I will lose my breath,
Or this beating heart will explode
With all its aches
And hopes and dreams and breaks.
I am so raw and naked
Beneath your searching eyes.
I cannot hide my broken.
I cannot hide my pride.
I cannot hide the times
When I stole myself away from you
As I waited and waited and waited
To feel a touch no longer fleeting.

Afterthought: Five inches of snow today, and still snowing last I checked.

So, we're here at the last month of the year. I can't help but feel a little melancholy, especially since I spent the month of November mostly being sick. Nothing like that to get you down, and now I've sailed seamlessly into another cold...so December might be sick month too. Them little kids be germ beasts. As I searched through the pictures from my phone to remember exactly what I did, I didn't find a whole lot.

Meet Cordelia Amelia Bedelia Drexel Biddle...or you know, Cordy. First, right up, I'd like to say, she is not mine. Definitely, most absolutely, not mine. However, I'm the person who takes care of her...99% of the time. She is the bane of my existence. What can you expect, though? She is 100% lab. It kinda goes without saying that her energy level means she's jumping off walls all the time.  She's giving me 'the look'  here because I happen to have the tennis ball, and tennis balls are her absolute favoritest things in the world. Want her complete attention? Just show her a ball. If I break any bones, it will be because I've gotten between her and ball.

"Hello, mountain majestic, you old friend of mine. You are not so fearsome to me for you are the familiar shape in the corner of my sky."  (Thought this was so beautiful. Pardon the telephone in front of Mt. Adams.)

Ta-da! Not perfect, obviously, but I did finish. So, points for that.

Gotta talk about Thanksgiving and pies. Definitely pies. My mom made the crust then I made the innards and rolled the dough out. Despite popular belief, this is a sweet potato pie, not pumpkin. I'm kinda happy with how it looked.

Granny Smith apple pie! We went the day before into the neighbor's orchard and gleaned the apples off the tree ourselves. We've been doing it for a few years now. Mostly we dry the apples or make them into applesauce, but they weren't too sour for a pie. Mom said it was the most beautifullest/prettiest pies she's ever seen. I rolled this one out and made the topping. I also ate it for about three breakfasts afterwards. Pie + cheese for breakfast = awesomeness.

I made these overnight rolls. Bread is one of my favorite things to make. It's so satisfying. And fills the house with warmth and good smells. Thanksgiving itself was a bit of a let down. This is the first Thanksgiving that my grandma would be included; so we were actually going to do the whole caboodle (we usually just wait and have the 'caboodle' with my mom's extended family). The morning came. My mom was coming down with a cold. We spent all day baking and making. My grandma called and said she felt terrible because she had come down with the sickness too, and my sis was dogsitting an old dog she couldn't leave. So it was just my aunt, my parents, and me. Still tasted good. Still ate way too much (gee, don't you think after sixteen years of eating with my own judgement, I might actually not eat too much at Thanksgiving? Evidently the answer is no), but it was still disappointing.

These were suppose to be 'quick' rolls. These were not quick rolls. Still took about two hours and thirty minutes, but they were good. I'm trying to do better with meal planning and stuff, and if I make soup, I always want to make bread to go with it.

It was cold. I didn't feel good (didn't know I was getting sick again). It was going to get colder, and I needed to finish covering plants with leaves, but I stayed in and made these instead. A type of French Baguette. Forgot the slits, but it was so good...

Last night, armed with a good supply of cough drops, I went to the Symphony's Christmas Concert. It was really lovely. They did a good combination of religious music and 'Winter Wonderland' type stuff. It's a rather lovely thing for them to be funded by donation rather than by the city because then they have more freedom to choose what they do. Last Christmas I went to the Marine Corps' Band's concert in Hawaii, and they had to keep all their music strictly secular. It was still a real fun concert, but I missed the good ol' Christmas carols.

The concert was at the Capitol Theater - a building I've always been in awe of. It's elegance is completely out of place. I've gone to two rock concerts here...talk about strange. Heh. The symphony played the Hallelujah chorus, and everyone stood up. I didn't quite understand the 'why' but followed suit. Evidently (do any of you know this? Please say you didn't. Make me feel better :P ), when this piece of music was first ever played, the King of England was so moved by it that he stood up, and everyone else had to also. Now it's a tradition, and people carry it on...whether they know why or not...

I've always loved watching live music, especially at these types of things. I never tire of watching the different people play all the different instruments. It's just so glorious. They also had two choirs join them which is also something I enjoy listening to. And the city's jazz sextet (and I loveeeee Jazz). The church I attend is fairly small, so sometimes I forget the feeling of being entirely immersed in singing voices. At the end of the concert, they had the audience sing along as they went through a medley of different songs. My favorite was when everyone sang 'Joy to the World'. It was so full, and to think, Heaven will be like that. Every voice joining together in perfect unity to sing praises to God. Now it's finally beginning to feel like Christmas.

So many of the traditions that my parents made when we were growing up are no longer, and it's sometimes hard to make Christmas still feel like Christmas, but I try. What about you, gals and guys? Have you found that to be true? Or are traditions traditions, come hell or high water? What time of activities do you do?

I wanted to share some music with you, but I was having a hard time deciding what. Finally made the decision to share one of my favorite Christmas songs from my favorite Christmas album of all time. The Roger Whittaker Christmas Album. Most of the songs are original or very little heard elsewhere so you haven't grown sick and tired of them, if you feel that way about most Christmas music. I just think his album holds all the things I love most about Christmas time. Please listen, and if you like the song here, go check out the rest of his album and tell me what you think!