Random, Rambling Thoughts of an INFJ (#5)

I'm an introvert. Evidently, I used to be a bubbly three-year-old, but I don't remember that. Something must have changed drastically. Though, when you read about INFJs, it says we're the most extrovert Introverts. That makes perfect sense to me. Some days I wish I could become a hermit. Other days I yearn for connection more frequent and more deep than the typical Introvert.

But in crowds, I'm not outgoing enough to join the extroverts, and I want more human contact that other introverts. So I'm usually the pursuer of relationships...with other introverts. Every once in a while I ask myself why, for once in my life, someone else won't take the initiative. They won't just come up and ask me if I want to hang out. They won't meet me, find me funny or interesting, and pursue a friendship.

It's hard not to take it personal. After all, what's the common denominator in all these situations? Me. When I do step out to initiate conversations, friendships, and my offering of myself isn't enough, then I recoil like an introvert. I ask myself, "Why? Why do I even bother? It's too exhausting. What's the use?" It's tempting to commit social suicide ('"If people don't like me when I'm in the background and doing everything 'right', then I might as well stop trying."). It's tempting to search inside myself and wonder, 'What's so wrong?'

There's nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

Sometimes people like to imagine they'll have things all figured out when they get out of their teens. These 'fitting in' or 'unearthly awkward' problems won't be there anymore, but I hate to say they don't just go away.

In fact, I was having a nice time feeling close to giving up over the weekend. I started mentioning a fun thing to do the next time a 'friend' and I got together. It ended up feeling like I was talking to a wall. Those are the times I take a step back from a friendship. If it's a friendship built on 'Well, there's no one better to hang out with', then as far as I'm concerned, it can go jump in a lake. If they actually mean something, they'll start banging on my door till I get out of my fit of introvertishness. I did that once - took a step back. Three months later I got a call from the person about something utterly different, and she didn't even think it was strange. Yeah, that's not how it works with me.

I think everyone likes to be pursued, and not only romantically. I think it's one of those yearnings deep down. Who doesn't want someone to meet them and think almost instantly, 'This is one fun human. I want to hang out with her/him more?" Who doesn't want to know someone else thinks they're funny or interesting or irreplaceable? Who doesn't want someone to keep coming around even on days when you're the worst version of yourself? *raises hand* I know I do. More than once I've thought how nice it would be to find someone whose strengths were not mine, who could balance me out.

Then today I remembered something. I remembered a poem I read awhile back. The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson. It's a little hard to understand because of the older English and then the punctuation, but it is absolutely beautiful. The poem paints a glorious picture of how God pursues each of us. He pursues when we are running the opposite way from Him, when we are at our worst, when really don't want to be pursued, or when we forget that He is pursuing us. I think a lot of the time we look to humans to fill hopes that only God can. We put humans on pedestals, and we forget how high of a one God should be on in our life.


"I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
  I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
  Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
                  Up vistaed hopes I sped;
                  And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
                  But with unhurrying chase,
                  And unperturbèd pace,
                Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
                  They beat--and a Voice beat
                  More instant than the Feet--
                "'All things betray thee, who betrayest Me.'"


There's one part in the poem that says  "'Lo naught contents thee, who content'st not Me.'" I read somewhere an interpretation - "If you don't content yourself in the presence of God, then nothing will ever content you." 

I can't expect humans to fill a yearning God placed in my heart to pull me back to Him. Though I yearn to be pursued and appreciated for who I am by flawed humans, the God of the universe has pursued me and continues to pursue me relentlessly. I should understand how that feels - how it feels to pursue a friendship with someone time and again, only to be ignored or left feeling insufficient.

"I could be your faithful friend, isn't that enough?" I silently ask other people.

"I could be your faithful friend, isn't that enough?" God whispers to my heart. "I created you, and I love every piece of you. You are enough. I made you, and I said you were good."