This Sunshine Will Linger {poetry}

I think I can breathe now,

at least for today,

at least in this very moment

with you and the leaves

and the pumpkins and trees.

I feel like I can laugh,

and my laugh is as real as it's been for awhile.

The tightness inside of my chest 

has lightened its grasp.

You've ripped off the corners

of my smothering sky

to let the sunshine back in

so today I can thrive.

Maybe my darkness isn't so dark.

Maybe it's possible

to dig myself out 

and reach for bright skies

because I was happy 

with your happy,
even though we're still both

so broken inside--

You stayed up till 5,

persuading yourself

this life was worth

one more try.

Yesterday I couldn't see

how I'd ever be

truly at peace,

but here we are

just for awhile.

I'd like to imagine 

this sunshine will linger

when you go back home,

and I'm left on my own

because you've made today better,
but I don't want you to forget

that I'd even share in your misery

if you asked me to.

Please, don't be afraid to ask me to. 

2018

There's a reason why I save the year's recap till the very last post. It takes time for me to lift my head above the moment and gaze back at the year from a more aerial perspective as opposed to a 'still stuck in the middle of the throes' perspective. If I'm still stuck on land (and to be honest, I am), it's hard to collect the good moments in a tough year. 2018 was hard - a new kind of hard I hadn't experienced before. There was a lot of caves and tunnels and dead ends and places that looked like dead ends and places that might not be dead ends, but I'm still not sure the way out of.

Those places are the hardest to gain perspective on - the 'stuck' places - and so when I reach the end of the year if I'm still in the-place-that-has-no-way-out to my limited eyesight, it can be disheartening, almost suffocating. People are talking about the whole 'new year, new you', the big goals, the exciting goals, the 'I should be happy for them' kind-of goals, and the ways in which they have succeeded. And I don't know. I begin looking too much at other people's journeys (comparison - usch), and I'm not there. I'm not somebody else or living somebody else's life. Meaghan, get your head back over here. Narrow your focus. 

We all have those glowing moments we slug through the mire of 365 days to find so we feel good, so we know we really did do something 'worthwhile' with our limited breaths. The importance of productivity and progress and big things is emphasized everywhere we look. Whether in our minds or in society around us, our worth is tied up in what we produce or the profit from our production. Somehow that belief has been worked into my core, and even though I KNOW it isn't true, it keeps tripping me up. No wonder, I read it takes 21 days to tackle a thought inside your mind and replace it with something else, something better, something that will survive. 63 days to make it have roots and branches enough to thrive. That's a long time and about a million reminders to yourself through all kinds of chaotic emotions and circumstances. That's a lot of courage and a lot of plain old stubbornness.

And I don't seem to have a lot of either of those right now. I'm tired, to be honest. There's a lot of lessons I started learning in 2018 that I'm not finished learning. There's a lot of major construction and destruction going on over here and so I know the feeling of stumbling over other people's highlight reels and forgetting for the millionth time that it is their highlight reel, their collection of half-told stories (and let's be honest - even if people do say what goals they didn't accomplish, we tell them to have grace on themselves, that they did their best, but we don't extend the same grace to ourselves).

This New Year's Day was filled with a lot less bittersweet melancholy than some. A lot less pressure of making it into something. A lot less "Oh man, it's January. Where did the time go? Have I even done anything with my time? Now it's the New Year, and I'm suppose to have goals and dreams, etc." Worries and anxiety that start to suffocate. Instead I got up as if it were any other day, forget about the month or the year, and tried to focus on the moments and collect them because the moments -- the here and now -- they're where I'm most at peace. If I extend myself too far into the future and tomorrow's worries, then I find myself running and running to try and keep myself from falling. That running is exhausting. So for right now, I'm just here, and hopefully this year, it's where I'll spend most of my time.

And with that, here are some of my favorite moments of 2018.

-Snapshots of 2018 -

February 24th - I don't do spur of the moment, but I did. He was moving, and that's a lot of driving alone. I picked the soundtrack, and we crossed the mountains, and there was fresh snow on all the trees. The world transfigured into a Narnian forest. Car rides aren't so bad. 

May 20th - Riding tandem bike for the first time along the Columbia river. Warm day. Cool breeze. He bought me Captain America socks -- my first fandom clothing. 

July 2nd - Perfectly shaped, beautiful, white and purple turnips. Also my nephew's favorite toys. 

July 4th - "Please not again, God." Anxiety knotting up my insides, but it releases as I carry serious boy - nephew- through my garden and tell him about all my vegetables. He follows my pointing. He seems to know. 

August 15th - I'm on top of the world in arctic terrain. Pieces of Rohan. Valleys and peaks shrouded in endless apocalyptic smoke, but the noise in my head is gone.

August 16th - I can reach out and touch the mountain. My mountain in all its intimate closeness. I touch snow in August. My muscles scream, but I am happy. Happy among wildflowers and perfect places where worries seem so small, mountains are kind, and God is infinitely beyond all imagining.

August 17th - We had to backtrack and everything took longer, but it was alright. The music was still good. Kayaking in warm, clear waters in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Hot chocolate down by the lake in moonlight. The food was good. 

August 18th - Narrow roads that can't really be roads swallowed in early morning fog. The first glimpses of the pacific - old friend, you know, it's always been too long. Sand. Walking along the ocean shore. Ocean forests swallowed in eery mist. And the painters out in the morning light with
their easels. The endless rush of pebbles falling over one another. Starfishes. We didn't reach the most North-Western point of the consecutive United States, but it didn't matter.  

September 7th - Carrots. Perfectly shaped, purple carrots. One handful, two handfuls. Something worked, and I've never seen anything quite so beautiful. 

October 6th - Birthdays are blue days, but it's a day up in the mountains where there's fresh snow, and it's cold, and it's Autumn and Winter and beautiful. We drink hot cider up on the top of the highest point and eat sandwiches, and it seems like the best food I've tasted for awhile. The wind numbs our hands, but there in the moment of sunlight, it seems worth it. And it's not so bad talking to my knees in the cramped back seat of a pickup truck. 

October 11th - Wandering through a Fall Japanese garden in Seattle. So peaceful. And the colors are rich and the reflections are serene and the fish frightening.

October 22nd - After work, I'm kidnapped to the foothills to see the sprinkling of Autumn colors. The tradition for a couple handfuls of years. We drive along in the shadows of the hills, and they stop in the middle of the road so I can get out and take pictures of the yellows in the sunlight, and I want to take all those yellows and decorate my soul with them, to fill myself up to the brim and push back all the blue. I want to become a tree, planted by some lake, in the middle of an evergreen forest (later she said she would like to become a tree across the road from me). We walk across the bed of the lake to our island, and everything slides back into perspective. I never want to leave this place. Hot chocolate on the car ride home. 

November 7th - She said she was rooting for 'optimistic Meaghan'. Rooting -- someone is rooting for me.

December 12th - I got there late after an emotionally exhausting day of 'this seems too painfully familiar', and she had to work in the morning, but she brought me dinner in a bag, and we listened to music and drove all around looking at Christmas lights. And we talked and some of the load slipped from my shoulders. 

December 24th - We were all cooking and baking together, and I knew what needed to be done but didn't have to do it alone. After the church's Christmas Eve service, we searched for somewhere to eat and found Popeye's was the only place open, and we took it and the stockings to the Air Traffic Control tower where my dad had to work late. We all sat on the floor and shared plates and opened stockings. We stayed up till 3 am because of a late night Celtic Christmas with bagpipes and gift wrapping I should maybe have done long before. 

~~~

What are some of your favorite *small* moments of 2018? 

Movies of 2018

"I'm not much of a movie person," Meaghans says as she looks down at the 12 new movies she watched in 2018, plus the rewatches and the ones she might've forgotten about. To be honest, it's mostly a matter of whether or not people can make me sit down (or if I'm able to make myself) long enough for a movie because I do like movies, not as much as TV shows, though. And I didn't really watch TV shows this year, comparatively (in the past, I watched too much). The only complete season I watched in 2018 was the second season of Stranger Things with my brother (he made me. It hurt). And I also started watching the first season of The Mentalist over again with him (and I realized I actually miss that show...*sighs*). Also a dozen episodes or so of Monk with the parents. Overall, I tried to make movie/tv shows more of a thing I do with other people than something I do by myself. More healthy and all, right?

1.

-Christopher Robin -

I have a tradition for the past...six years(?) of going to dinner and a movie with my friend and usually all her sisters (except they keep moving away), and this was our movie of choice. I was so hesitant because the trailer made me smile, and I was really hoping it wouldn't be a let down. It wasn't. It was everything I hoped it'd be -- funny, bittersweet, endearing, cozy. The plot might not be the most unique -- guy grows up and becomes swallowed in work and loses sight of what matters most, but then it seems to be a general human problem. Despite the struggles Christopher Robin faces, they don't portray him as an idiot before he changes. He is always someone you can sympathize with, and I'm always going to be a fan of Agent Carter wherever she turns up :P  But just the cinematography of it, the music, how they created the stuffed animals, Eeyore, Eeyore, and is it silly that I love the friendship between all the stuffed animals? I love the worlds that exist in woods and in-between trees. 

2.

The Darkest Hour

I did not expect to like this movie as much as I did, and it wouldn't have been something I'd choose to go to the movie theater to see, but I was pulled along by a friend. This is more of war drama than an actual war movie (although, it did include one particular scene that was artfully done and left an impression) with more interpersonal arguments than overarching obstacles. First off, I've tended to enjoy British dramas because of the humor (Amazing Grace is one of my favorite movies, and there are some similar veins in that movie as in this one), and this had a lot of humor in it. Despite my resistance toward historical fiction books, I actually enjoy the genre in movies? Winston Churchill was such an interesting individual, and it was fascinating to see what was going on behind the scenes when you generally see stories concentrated on the fighting and major battles.

3. 

Antman and the Wasp

This was a fun movie. I appreciated before and continue to appreciate how the Antman series tends to focus on the small scale stories (because if the world almost ends too many times, it kind-of loses it's significance, maybe?). And overarchingly, it has a different feel to it. I love the collection of characters. I love the cars (wouldn't that be awesome in real life?). The assortment of obstacles with no reason 'evillest of all evil' villains'. I love the family-based story -- it was a nice breath of fresh air. I think one of the villains could have maybe been made a little more sympathetic. I can't say the ending credit scene got to me because I had seen something on twitter, not a real spoiler but enough for me to brace myself. It'll be fascinating to see how this ties into the next major Marvel movie. 

4. 

The Incredibles 2

My sister and I got to take my niece with us to see this in the theater so that made it extra fun. I love the cast of characters, especially Jack-jack (and Edna, always Edna), and really the whole family. I kind-of love the whole well-developed, large, family-like casts in stories, even if I am so far incapable of creating them. The tone in this one seemed darker than the first one, but maybe they did it on purpose since most of the people who originally watched the first movie are much older now.

5. 

Thor: Ragarnok

My brother was home visiting the week Infinity War came out, and since my sister and I were a bit behind on the Marvel movies, we did a marathon. Sure, it's great to spend time with my siblings and all, but man, a marathon of Marvel movies is not for the faint of heart. We watched this one between the two Guardians of the Galaxy movies, and I was surprised at how similar their tones were? After the fact, my brother said people had started to realize Chris Hemsworth was capable of doing comedy, too, and so that really, REALLY shows in this. I liked it. I liked the addition of the Hulk. It is hard to realize the gravity of the whole situation when everything is so...comical, though. And it was weird to think this was a THOR movie and not another Guardians of the Galaxy.

Others:

Black Panther - If they keep evolving like this within the Marvel Universe, it'll be good. Beautiful places and small-scale stories = awesomeness. Also, the 'Tolkein' white guys. 

Guardians of the Galaxy 1+2 - Lots of laughs. The idea of civilization in outer space always makes me feel like there are endless possibilities. 

Infinity War  - Well...that happened  -- the reaction when you expect everyone to die, but they don't, and you have faith some of them will actually come back. 

I Can Only Imagine - The Erwin Brothers make the best Christian films in my opinion. They don't shy away from the tough stories. In fact, the reason why they were funded by a more mainstream company this time was because no Christian company were willing to...which is sad. 

The Greatest Showman -...I wish I liked it more...But some good songs on the soundtrack? 

The Little Prince - Huh. 

Peter Rabbit -Uh...nope, nope, nope. 

~~~

What were your top movies of 2018? Did you watch any of these? If so, what did you think?

Books of 2018

As someone who is drawn to non-fiction more than fiction, 2018 held quite a few pleasant surprises. In general, I ended up reading more books I enjoyed, and that makes me happy. It also gives me hope reading might one day become something I can pursue as rest and enjoyment because it's been at least ten years since I've been much of a bookworm. I also actually bought some books this year? A hunking 6, and 4 of them were bought in faith (aka, I hadn't ever read them or any by those authors). Now I just need to get on top of review writing...I'm slowly becoming a responsible future-author, little by little. You would not believe how long it takes me to write cohesive sentences about why I like or didn't like things, though.

So, last year I read like...29 books? And this year I read 22 books, including 2 rereads, but I didn't really have time to sit down and just read. I also didn't travel by air which is usually a time when I read more. Anyways, here's my books of 2018!

1.

The Sacred Eneagram - Christopher L. Heuertz

This book. It's probably my most daring buy, but I've been curious about the Enneagram since Sleeping at Last started writing his Enneagram song series. I've read about the types on different sites, but when Ryan O' Neal (aka, Sleeping at Last) recommended this book (because it's written by the person who Ryan learned about the Enneagram from), I was really curious.

It's a Christian take on the Enneagram, and I'm so glad I bought it and read it at the time I did. I wanted to write up a whole post on it, and maybe I still will, but I realized it would end up a condensed version of the book instead. There's just so much in this relatively short book. About identity. About lies we believe. About how to see ourselves and others with so much more compassion and understanding. And a different way to become the healthiest versions of ourselves (which is meditation, but an early church version of meditation before all this new age stuff). There's so many things I would want to tell you about this, but you should probably just read it yourself, if you're curious about the Enneagram from a Christian perspective =)

2.

Blessed are the Misfits - Brant Hansen

This book was an exhale for me. It's written for the 'Misfits' or the perpetually guilty. The people who feel like they're always failing because they can't pray right or they don't feel the things other people seem to feel. The ones who are still lonely even though God is suppose to fulfill them. The ones who are depressed and must be the worst of all Christians. The introverts who keep showing up to cultivate community in spite of their set 'what's the quickest way to escape these people?' mindset. Just because you experience things differently than what seems the 'set way' doesn't mean you're guilty or you've messed up so much that God is done with you. These things that seem as though they separate you from God may be the very things God has chosen to draw you into a closer fellowship  with Him, and maybe that's all the blessing you need. 

I love the cover because I love penguins. And I love the this book. I read it in three days which is the fastest I read any book in 2018. Brant Hansen is funny. That's the best part. His writing style is very conversational and at times random (which is also great) and compassionate and relatable. His intent is to remind people who fall into the catagory of 'Misfits' what God thinks of them -- The Ones Who Apparently Landed on the Wrong Planet, The Unfeeling Faithful, The Introverted Evangelical Failures, The Wounded, The Ones Who Don't Have Amazing Spiritual Stories, People on the Autism Spectrum, The Imposters, The Introverts Who Keep Trying, The Perpetual Strugglers, The People Who Do Church Anyway, The Melancholy and the Depressed, The Unnoticed, The Lonely, The Skeptics and Those Who Don't Know Where Else to Go (These are chapter titles). 

3.

Winter - Marissa Meyers

This my favorite book in the Lunar Chronicles because Winter is my favorite character. She's a little weird in the very best ways, and her pain and mental anguish is so very poignant. Also, I absolutely love the conversations between Winter and Scarlet. I expected the ending to have a higher cost, and I don't know what I think. I mean...I do like happy endings, but after four books and such overarching destruction, to have nothing permanent happen to the primary characters? I don't know. It seems so perfectly convenient. Nonetheless, it's been a long time since I've read a series, and this one made the commitment a joy.  

4.

Some Kind of Happiness - Claire Legrand

I had seen this book on the shelve in a bookstore in 2017, and it's so far the one time I was tempted to buy a book because of its cover (and title). I read it later because it was recommended by a friend, and I even ended up giving it to my mom to read. It was different -- a book that's a combination of being a kid and make-belief + writing fantastical stories as a means to escape + mental health-- but a book there's a definite place for. I related to the main character's struggles to an extent (I wasn't necessarily as young -- I think the MC is 12? --but some things like fear and sadness don't mature. They stay the same). Maybe some children are born naturally inclining to struggle in these areas. Maybe some have experienced things that cause them to have anxiety or depression, but this book introduces the subject of mental health without dwelling so much. I loved the characters. The interactions. The subject. The bittersweetness of it. And the supportive family, in spite of all the rifts.

5. 

The Greatest Gift - Ann Voskamp

This was a Christmas devotional I wasn't very successful with (I started it...after Christmas?), but there were so many places in it I wanted to underline. Ann is very poetic, and she isn't always writing something new that I've never thought of or heard before. She writes the words in a language my heart can understand. She writes with vulnerability and strips things of the mundane and the 'I've heard this so many times before' so I see it in new light. One of the quotes included in the book is by Amy Carmichael: "Joys are always on their way to us. They are always traveling to us through the darkness of the night. There is never a night when they are not coming." --And that's the best part of her books. Ann doesn't discount the pain. She knows pain, and so it's easier to read of the hope. 

6.

All the Crooked Saints - Maggie Stiefvater

For the first two chapters, I really didn't think I'd like this book. Sometimes it takes me a while to adjust to author's voices (and sometimes I just have to get over the fact the author breaks rules. Lots of rules *ahem*), and Maggie Stiefvater especially has a unique way of writing. The next half of the book, I was sort-of in disbelief ("Welp...that's...happening.") because I hadn't realize what kind of book this was...or the genre of it -- there's literally a rain cloud following that lady around. And then I went ahead and decided I liked it in all its weirdness. I love how character-driven the story is -- character driven stories are my favorite, and I could relate to the characters. And the unique setting of the book (I know about the desert and rabbit bush and Russian thistle). And just the idea of the story. So interesting. I hope to actually get a copy of this eventually. 

7. 

Cress - Marissa Meyers

I don't remember exactly what part of the plot occurred in this book of the Lunar Chronicles, but I DO know I enjoyed it. I just love the cast of characters. Whenever I think of having many characters in my own stories, I usually unthink it very quickly because of the challenges created. The characters have to be unique, and they have to have conversations among themselves where each of the characters retain their own personality, but Marissa does this quite well. All the interactions are so fun and meaningful and...normal. Plus, out of all the many, many romances in this series (I know it's a fairy tale retelling, but man, there's way too many romances), my favorite is Cress and Thorne (and the fact he went blind for that little while -- That was interesting). 

8.

The Lost Girl of Astor Street - Stephanie Morill 

I honestly thought I was kind-of done with historical fiction, but this book changed my mind. I'll keep the door open on this genre awhile longer(granted, this was technically a mystery which is something I haven't read in the historical fiction genre). This was a bit of a difficult read because (as opposed to my usual apathetic book-reading self) I felt the MC's pain in the story. Usch. I believed the stakes. The setting was fun. And I loved the characters, and there were parts that almost made me laugh out loud. I wouldn't say the mystery was totally unique, but as long as a story plot has believable stakes, I'm not very picky. 

9.

Angel Eyes - Shannon Dittemore

I think this counts as a...paranormal (supernatural?) romance? It's definitely not the kind of book I'd normally go for, but I wanted to support Shannon Dittemore and her contributions to GoTeenWriters so I just bought it. I'm awfully skeptical of the whole Demon vs. Angel stories, and I still don't know what I think 100%, but the book was an easy read. The characters were likable. I could believe the stakes/the story problems, and I didn't dislike the romance...so there's that (- See, I'm really good at this. On my top 10 list, and I end the thoughts with 'so there's that'.). 

10.

Be the Gift - Ann Voskamp

Okay, so technically this one is more of a devotional with clips from Ann Voskamp's other books that I've already read, but it's still one of my favorite reads of this year because I love Ann's words. 'Nuff said.

-Additional Reads-

A Home for the Heart - Michael Phillips

~The last book in a historical fiction 8-book series. Starts during the California gold rush and ends sometime after the Civil War. Only finished because it was a series my grandma sent me, but I guess it was alright?  Kind-of have had an overdose of historical fiction, though ~

Boundaries - Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

~A very stretching book but also kind-of annoying. Showed me I need better boundaries in my life and some of the reasons why I have a short-fuse. But also there's some parts where I feel like they stretched some Bible verses to fit their ideas. ~

The 'No Work' Garden Book - Ruth Stout

~This was actually a fun book, and the first gardening book I've read. I love her writing style, very conversational. She wasn't a 'know-it-all'. She just took notes of what she did and what worked and what didn't. She also liked to do things that aren't *scientifically* supposed to work. I tried to put into practice some of the things I gleaned, and it did help, but finding the same material readily accessible is difficult.~

The Treasure Principle + The Grace and Truth Principle + The Purity Principle - Randy Alcorn

~Three small books so I couldn't count them separately. They were all stretching and good. I like how straightforward and blunt Randy Alcorn is. The first book has to do with tithing and the idea of blessing to be blessed and re-emphasizing what I already believe about being only a steward of everything I have. Why do I hold so tightly to my money when it isn't even mine? Giving is a part of fulfilling joy. 2nd book: God is the God of grace and truth, and one without the other is as good as having neither. Convicting. I need to remember grace. 3rd: If you don't think you need to take precautions as a Christian in dating, etc. "You can spell your name S-t-u-p-i-d." - direct quote. Told you he was blunt, but he's just paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 10:12. ~

Fawkes - Nadine Brandes

~Another historical fiction with a dash of magic. That aspect was fascinating, and it reminded me how amazing authors are. How do we even come up with our ideas? Anyways, I really, really wouldn't have liked to live in London during the 1600s. ~

Parables of the Christ-Life + Parables of the Cross - Lilias Trotter

~I first heard of Lilias Trotter because Sleeping at Last composed a beautiful soundtrack to a documentary that was created about her life. She was a promising, mostly self-taught artist who was born in England in the mid-1800s. She decided to leave her pursuit of art and go instead to Africa as a missionary. There's one song on the soundtrack to the documentary called 'Art vs. Calling', and that idea challenges me immensely. I can't help but be drawn to people like her. I can't help but listen to their words and wonder how they decided what they decided to do. These two books are in the free domain now, and I really liked them. I loved how she included so much of nature in her writings and little pieces of her art. I hope to find the documentary somewhere to watch eventually. ~

The Dance of Anger - Harriet Lerner

~Usch. This deals specifically with women's anger and how we tend to go towards two drastic ways of dealing with it (I'll tear you apart with words vs. passive aggressiveness). And dealing with conflict in important relationships for growth. And boundary making. Taking full responsibility of your emotions and actions. And the importance of working through 1st family relational conflicts because of how they can cause weeds to rear up in other relationships and your 2nd family. Essentially, anger is only good if helps you learn more about yourself. Stretching book, but it gave me much needed tools.~

The Phantom Tollbooth - Norton Juster

~This was a fun read. Lots of interesting depth to it and cleverness. And an orchestra of color? I love that thought (and probably one of my favorite parts of the book). Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if all of creation broke into song. What would that sound like? It's a somewhat similar idea.~

Rebels - Jill Williamson 

~ Bought this...and then realized it was the third book in the series *insert very, very sad face*. This is what Meaghan gets for buying books she hasn't read, but since I bought it, I went ahead and read it and managed to understand what was going on. Lots of characters to figure out, but I mean...it was pretty interesting given the circumstances? ~

Hinds' Feet on High Places - Hannah Hurnard (reread)

~Reread this because it's one of my soul books. I needed to read it, and it's as good or even better than the first time because I understood more. It's such a beautiful allegory. I went ahead and ordered a new edition that includes illustrations and is just beautiful. ~

The Bible (reread)

~I read through the Bible every year. This year I learned to appreciate the Psalms a lot more, and I delved a little deeper, but I still need to implement an actual Bible Study method. ~

+Critiqued a Novel

~Tried to critique/Critiqued a critique partner's novel. Something I need to get better at, to be honest~

~~~

What are some of your favorite reads of 2018? Have you read any of these? What did you think of them? Any recommendations for 2019? 

Soundtrack of 2018

This is the part of the show where Meaghan shows up and actually writes a more personal (kind-of?) blog post for a change. I did a similar post to this one last year where I highlighted the music albums I added to my collection over the previous twelve months (If I get any for Christmas, I usually just count it in the new year because who has time to fully appreciate an album in one week?). I still haven't succumbed to subscribing to any music streaming service, and I still don't think I'm missing out. This year, in fact, I went back to buying real CDs, too, instead of just MP3 albums (I don't ahve great reasoning behind it, though. I'm not stingy, but like, if you can buy the physical CD for less than an MP3 album, why not? The fact it's true doesn't make much sense either). So, here we have it -- Meaghan's soundtrack of 2018.

1.

The Desired Effect - Brandon Flowers

"And all my life, I've been told, "Follow your dreams", but the trail went cold."

This is the one album I've returned to most throughout the year, despite two ballad songs that I enjoy skipping and a skimpy ten songs. Brandon Flowers is the lead singer of The Killers, and I've always liked his voice so when I found out that he did solo work, I looked it up. My brother made fun of The Killers because he thought they had a '70s' sound to them, and I suppose Brandon Flowers generally keeps the same sound in his solo work. Last year I had Sleeping at Last in this position because of his lyrics, but Desired Effect doesn't exactly win in the brilliant lyrical department. I am drawn more to the energy in his music and his voice. There's also an aching quality to most of the songs on this album which is something that always draws me in.

Favorites:

Between Me and You 

Dreams Come True

Never Get You Right 

2.

Run Wild. Live Free. Love Strong (Deluxe Edition) - For King and Country

"If we only could see what we're becoming"

My parents got me this one for my Birthday, but it's been on my wishlist since it came out (I forgot that I wanted it, though). For King and Country is probably my favorite Christian band these days. When I listen to this album, I feel hope, and for me, hope doesn't usually come through most of the Christian music I hear. I appreciate the honesty, the courage, and that hope in each of their songs. They recognize where we're at, our hurts, our weaknesses, but also that there's so much more ahead. One thing that makes a big difference on whether I like Christian music or not is whether I can take the words and use them as prayers I would offer. Encouragement is great, but if I can sing the songs and direct them toward God, then I am going to be more aware of God throughout the day.

Favorites: 

To the Dreamers

Wholehearted

Matter 

3.

Evolve - Imagine Dragons

"'Cause honey, it's been a hard year.

It seems like we're going nowhere."

Last year, I had Imagine Dragon's first two albums on this list, and they're still staying on my top favorite list, even though there's always a few songs on their albums that I borderline am annoyed with/but still kinda like? I enjoy the energy and feeling in their songs which works really well for when I'm listening to music while working (which is...mostly all the time). That's one of the main reasons why some of the other albums didn't make it up this far -- If I'm working, most of the time I need a pick-me-up. You just can't listen to sunny Sunday afternoon music when you're stuck in someone's house for six hours. There's also a poetry to their lyrics that I rather like. And just the sound of their songs -- the beats, even the instrumentation when I'm aware of all the parts being played.

Favorites:

Rise Up

Start Over

I'll Make It Up to You

4.

Burn the Ships - For King and Country

"We can dance upon the heartache"

I just barely got this album in the mail as a belated 'bought with Birthday money' gift so I haven't listened to it a whole lot, but already it's meant a lot to me because of the hope within the lyrics. Also, as someone who struggles with a lack of self-compassion, it's good to listen to music that reminds me of the compassion God has for me, and the compassion other people can have for me, too, because of God. So again, hope and relatability. I also like how they featured their wives on the Pioneer song. So awesome.

Favorites:

Burn the Ships

Fight On, Fighter

Hold Her

5.

Just the Beginning - Grace Vanderwaal

"Just close your eyes
And create yourself a better life.
Let the wind blow through you hair.
Let the music take you there
And make a better life."

When I first heard Grace Vanderwaal's 'Clay' on...whichever talent show she won, I really liked her voice and simple ukulele arrangement, and that style continues on this CD. I definitely wasn't disappointed. Although, I hadn't quite realized exactly what songs were on her EP and not on this CD, but that means I'll just have to get the EP later on. There's a dreamlike quality to some of her songs that I love, and the way she sings certain songs. Pretty much her whole style. I wonder how much her style/voice will change as she grows older (she's currently 14 which is awesome!).

Favorites: 

Florets

Darkness Keeps Chasing Me

Insane Sometimes

6.

Nation of Two - Vance Joy 

"And is it hard to see me go
Doing things the wrong way?
If you're here when I fall,
I know that I won't fall a long way,
A long way."

This is one of those lazy, sunny afternoon albums (at least, that's the mood I envision for this set of songs). I've enjoyed Vance Joy's music since Riptide, but I listened to this one on repeat at work one day and ended up buying it soon afterwards. I like how the acoustic guitar gets center-stage for most of his songs with distinct melodies, and bits of his lyrics come through to me. Sometimes it seems his love songs have a more realistic and natural foundation. All of the album flows together well which also means some of the songs lack in great distinction. Because of that, it can turn into just 'extra noise' if I'm not in the right mood, but it's still a good album (and only one song gets consistently skipped).

Favorites:

Take Your Time

Alone with Me

Bonnie & Clyde

7. 

Bigger Than Your Box - Joy Ike

"It's not what you want, but your hope is coming,
Like an oak tree underneath the ground,
a small seed waiting to come out."

Joy Ike is one of my Noisetrade finds. She consistently puts her albums on Noisetrade for free or however much of a tip you feel like giving. Also this album was fully funded through Kickstarter which is awesome. I really love all the different influences that come through in her music. Her parents were immigrants from Nigeria so that influences her musical style some, and then also there's a song on this album that seems to borrow some aspects from French folk music; so it's a variety. I never quite know what to expect, but I do enjoy it. I like her voice and the cozy, simpleness of the musical arrangements on her songs, and how her faith weaves in and out through her lyrics. 

Favorites:

Hold On

Give a Little (Neither of these last songs are on Youtube, but you can find the entire CD on Spotify.)

Last Time 

8.

Beneath the Skin (Deluxe Edition) - Of Monsters and Men 

"But I never changed a single color that I breathe
So you could have tried to take a closer look at me."

I got this CD from my brother last Christmas, and I haven't listened to it as much as I thought I would, mostly because it isn't quite the kind of music I need for house cleaning. It's difficult to anticipate what CDs you'll actually return to time and again. Last year I got their previous CD, and though they might have diverted some from their original slightly folk sound, I still enjoy them. Their instrumentation and lyrics are haunting and aching and sad, and their voices fit well, too. Like I said about their first CD, I...haven't really followed all the lyrics? They're of a type of poetry that isn't easy to follow when multi-tasking (but now I'm listening to this CD through and reading the lyrics. I think even though I wasn't paying attention to them, I did gather the gist and feel of them). I would say mostly modern poetry, but also, this band is Icelandic so that might influence their lyrics. Sometimes I think this kind-of music is perfect for walks or star-gazing or just lying in bed at night and listening to it. Perhaps just too haunting for house cleaning.


Favorites:

Hunger

I of the Storm

Organ 

9.

Sugar - Robin Schulz

"Your love is like a summer rain,
That brought me back to life again,
On the dry lands of my heart. You washed away the pain."

I went out on a limb with this album since I only knew I liked 4 out of the 15, but I needed some fresh sounds in my collection. I've enjoyed the genre (Dance/DJ) for many years, mostly listening to Dash Berlin, Kygo, Atb, etc., but this was my first buy. It might sound harsh, but for me, there isn't a whole lot of significance from one artist in this genre to another. Their lyrical format is similar and the fact that they all use various singers to sing their songs doesn't help, but uniqueness isn't exactly what I'm expecting anyway. There's a lot of easy-listening/catchy songs on this album, and that's one of the reasons why I like this type of music. This album just didn't come with many stand-outs. 

Favorites:

For Life 

Headlights

Show Me Love

10. 

Vice Verses - Switchfoot

"Until the sea of glass we meet,
At last completed and complete.
The tide of tear and pain subside.
Laughter drinks them dry."

I've been wanting to get a Switchfoot CD for awhile now so my friend picked this one out as a Christmas present. I haven't had the time to give it many listens, but I've really grown to appreciate Switchfoot more the last couple of months (I even saw them in concert a couple years ago!). They're another group whose lyrical honesty I appreciate. In some ways, they remind me of Imagine Dragons, or at least, I like both for similar reasons. They have a similar rock sound and flow of lyric, and there's that ache of being stuck on earth and being human and knowing there's something else for us. With Switchfoot, though, they have the hope. Lately I need music that doesn't feel like burning coals but still reminds me of that hope in the end. I'll definitely be looking into getting other CDs of theirs later on.

Favorites:

Restless

Thrive

Souvenirs

-&-

Have you heard of any of these artists or listened to these albums? What do you think? What music was staple for you during 2018? Any recommendations for me? I'm always on the lookout for new music.

I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas! One of my brothers managed to make it home for a whole week, and that can be tiring. I think this time the good far outweighed the busy tiredness of it all. Everyone was present as much as possible so we did a lot of stuff together, and there were still things we didn't fit in a whole week. It was just good. Sometimes I miss the family part of life as people grow up and move on. I have some other 'wrapping up 2018' posts coming along that I will endeavor to actually finish and post, but for now, Happy New Year!