Unexpected Admission to Guilt

Please go ahead and fix me,

If you think I'm fixable.

(Tall demand for human hands)

I just know I can't fix myself.

I can't sew these holes back up.

Can't find the soil

To fill the ditch.

Isn't it time yet?

Don't you think I've been broken long enough?

(Oh yes, you know I'm broken.

You're close and study all my flaws).

I don't think I can hide these scars,

These newest medals of my falls.

The secret will get out.*

*Surprise I'm only human

(Unexpected admission to guilt).

I breathe and bleed the same as you,

Just as shattered into two.

(But still, you might be better

So I'll check for sure

-Can you fix this brokenness?)

I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

I should be farther.

I should be perfect,

(Because everyone else is,

Because that's where perfection is)

Not just where eyes can see

But everywhere.

(And this glue doesn't work.

It doesn't do me any good.

Neither do the nails, the screws,

Everything I use)

Do you think I'm fixable?

(Or worth fixing,

Worth the time it takes

To put me back together)

Then go ahead and fix me.

Put hand and foot together. 

(I am so desperate to feel

I don't care how other hands believe

I should be put together)

Here I am more broken.

Perfection

-Tall demand for human hands. 

+++

I've been thinking a lot about the lies we end up believing (even when the voice of logic tries to poorly [if you're anything like me] counteract them). So many of the voices inside of our heads have just a bit of truth to what they say, just enough to make us stumble over them. Sometimes logic tells us that the pit we've fallen into is all our fault or that we're overreacting to circumstances or reading into other people's actions or lack of actions. It's our fault, and we should fix it. 

I'm trying to learn to fight those thoughts, to recognize that our minds are battlefields (and so often, they are our primary battlefields). We belittle the thoughts and emotions as if they're just a result of a 'funky' mood, when they are the evidence of a battle erupting. It's so important that we tackle the unhealthy thoughts entering our mind before they make their home there. We have too much at stake to we give up our ground to them. It's the easiest battle to lose, and it's the most important to win.

My posting may be a bit irregular because another of my brothers is visiting, and it is enough to work, sleep, and peoplize. 

Safest Place to Land

Maybe you're the safest place to land,

And maybe that's alright.

(Oh, but underneath

The fear shakes my firm belief)

Who are you, really?

- Just another disappointment,

Just another piece of floor

Pulled out from underneath my feet. 

(I hope, I hope it isn't true

-That hope hasn't deceived me

Like it has before)

It's hard for me to trust,

To lay myself right open, 

But I don't want any

Conditional love masked as something

That will actually last.

But you seem like a safe place to land,

The safest place I've seen in days.

Your lights are on,

Welcoming beacons for a weary traveler,

And my heart is weary

And worn. 

I'd like to put down my bag,

And please, don't be impatient

If I linger at your door.

I'm testing all the boards

Just to see if something creaks.

You deserve the benefit of the doubt,

But be patient with my heart.

They've walked across it 

A few times for good measure. 

It's never been that strong,

And now it isn't even. 

And I'm learning about forgiving

And healing and forgetting,

And you were there 

When I sent out a desperate flare.

So, maybe, do you think-

(Don't be afraid to say no.

I'll take the truth

Better than all these bitter lies.

I'm tired of these bitter lies)

-You could be my place to land?

I didn't give you preparation

Or lay some good foundation

For a smooth, predicted landing, 

But that doesn't even matter

Because I see you from way up high

As I plunge down in burning flames,

And you are here with all your lights turned on,

And maybe you're the safest place to land. 

Stolen Joy

There. I've done it once again.

Let get beneath my skin.

And you steal away my joy.

I've let you in

To steal away my joy.

I've let you 

Come too close and touch me

Where I'm broken most.

It ached

-This broken piece of me,

Only shattered more by a touch

That will never linger.

And now you know.

You have to know

Where lies my greatest flaw,

And so you sneak right in

To steal and destroy

My hope and my joy.

Hope and joy.

Why did I let you take them?

Why did I let you

Have this power over me?

No, you won't steal anymore

Than what I've let you steal.

You won't take away our memory.

Your face won't replace

The one I know and love.

You've changed,

But that doesn't mean she has

-- That girl,

The one inside my memory.

She wouldn't take my joy,

And so I take it back.

And I won't let you

Ever sneak beneath my skin.

I have room for a memory,

But there's no room for you.

Runaway

I think...

I think I'd like to runaway

And be a runaway

As long as it's with you.

Otherwise I wouldn't even

Last a single day.

Let's just leave our lives

And forget

About this aching pain.
Let's toss out all our troubles

And find some odd adventure

In forests and on mountain peaks.

I think...

I think it'd be enough-

You and me and God

And our conversations

And our own creations.

I don't think 

Anything could make me come right back

To what my life was like before.

I don't think 

I could bear this loneliness again

Or never seeing that face of yours

Or hearing what you have to say

To make the darkness lighten every day.

I think...

I think I'd stay a runaway

Because if I could just

Pack my bags and go,

I might outrun 

My loneliness and

My disappointment

And find some place

That's quiet to stay

Until my mind is silent.

I think...

I think it'd only work

If you were there with me. 

+++

Hey guys, I didn't intend on taking a two week break from blogging, but my brother and his family came to visit (which meant I met my nephew for the very first time!! He's just the sweetest little guy <3), and everything fell by the wayside. I have some other types of posts in the works, but for now, as I catch back up, I thought I'd post more poetry. 

I hope all of you are doing well! What's been happening in your lives?