Summer Hiatus

Hey there!

I didn't intend to let the blog go dark for a month and a half without any post of explanation, but my plate has been FULL, and the thought of getting a blog post out on top of everything else made me feel I was going to asphyxiate. Sounds kinda dramatic, but it's always ONE MORE thing, small as it may be, that tips the cart over, and I'm an easily stressed individual.

ANYWAYS, this weekend coming up we're having a family reunion/early 90th Birthday Celebration for my grandma. Not that many relatives from that side of the family are actually making the trek, but it will still be a full weekend, and we're the hosts so...yeah...if I have to do a lot of peopling, I prefer to be completely removed from my home world. Otherwise I jump off the deep end trying to balance everyday responsibilities AND quality time with relatives [Or strangers who happen to share the same blood] while still having a positive attitude [AND feeding people. Like...how are we supposed to feed all these people? I have a hard time feeding just myself enough in the Summer].

Even without this reunion, Summer is a crazy busy time for me. I dance a lot on the edge of burnout. I have a lot of long days, a lot of things pulling me in different directions, a lot of moments when I feel like I'm going to asphyxiate. I tend to be left feeling like I've given everything some small, sub-par piece of me or that I always should be doing something else when I settle in on a task. That's the worst feeling -- the constant ripping from contentment in THE moment. I have some bad habits that don't help the burnout problem (like sacrificing the things I need to feed my soul first when things become rush-rush), and I'm working on correcting them, but it's a brick at a time, and I think for now, I'm going to do a blogging hiatus for the Summer. It won't be an entire hiatus. Hopefully I'll be able to pop in from time to time with something, but it won't be consistent or scheduled. I have a lot of ideas that I'd like to get down. I just need to find some time, and right now I'm concentrating whatever sit down time I have on editing my WIP (And someday soon I hope to tell you guys about it! I'm working on the edits before finding beta readers)...or you know, stuff like breathing and eating, not stuffing every minute of every day full to the brim.

How are you all doing? I'll see you around!

Crooked Fence Builders {poetry}

Let's create perfection

like the fence we put up

those cold days

in that one December,

like its broken boards

and bulging veins

and crooked tops. 

We said we didn't care--

that there was charm

in all its 'we maybe

could've done better'.

That fence was the start

and end to our boundary building --

a different kind of modern art.

Let's create perfection

on shifting sands

and slanting elevation.

We'll lay all our foundations

in the clay-like soil

we break our back against,

but that's perfection for you,

that's fighting with all our might,

striving for something. 

You say we'll create perfection

like the fence we put up

those first few days 

in that cold December,

like the icicles on the edges of our legs,

and the aching fingerprints 

we left on every screw

and every aged board.

I think that's all the perfection I know--

the 'we try our hardest' and still nothing goes. 

Growing into Friendships {reflections}

We both remember the day. It was late October at the end of apple-picking time. Just as soon as the sun disappeared, the bitter cold seeped in. Everyone migrated toward the the towering bonfire or retreated to the house for warmth. I was a shy ten-year-old, prone to scurrying from shadow to shadow, from familiarity to familiarity, avoiding all the strangers or strangers with familiar faces. Yet at that year's apple cider party, I must have been braver or maybe one of the familiar strangers' face looked more familiar than strange because somehow I made a friend.

My experience with friendships have always been...awkward. Growing up, I was shy so for the longest time the only friend I had was my brother who was just older than me. I don't even know if I was capable of having any other friendship up till I was 10, but after that night, I did have a friend and no idea what one was supposed to do with such a delightful thing. It's been 13 years now. Somehow she's still my friend, and I still don't quite know how friendships and friends are supposed to work, but this particular one has grown from situational to much more. The last few months, especially, have opened my eyes to the true worth of a good friendship.

I think we all have that vision of 'kindred spirits' when we seek friendships. We have an idea of what a 'best' friend would look like, and oftentimes, those images are a lot like us. We dismiss people or the potential in people because off the bat, we don't have enough in common, but maybe the best friendships have more to do with shared values and less to do with shared interests. Because if friendships were based only on interests, I don't quite know why this friendship has lasted.

We're different. Like...in a lot of ways. She's 3-years older than I in the middle of 9 (10?) kids [I'm the youngest of 5]. I like things more strictly structured. She is more spur of the moment. I'm organized, mostly. She isn't as much. Somehow she's the optimist, and I play the pessimist. Yet she packs the first aid kits, and I imagine scenarios where she falls off those cliff edges and rocks she's always scrambling on out in the middle of nowhere with no phone reception [But I don't think about bringing a first aid kit].  A few times in the past months, our conversations have wandered to how we process and view life, and she asked: "How are we even friends??"

Growth. Through a lot of growth. Not just the fighting tooth and nail kind-of growth, but the dancing kind-of growth, the 'God isn't finished with me' kind-of growth [which is really the best sort. I think if you're ever discouraged and don't feel close to God, see if you're struggling, if you're growing. As long as you're scrambling about in the mud and not lying in stagnant water, I think you're good]. And in this growth, I have become immensely grateful.

It's not that everything is easy now or I've 'become so patient with this person's quirks'. I don't mean it that way at all. Yes, a person in a relationship might grow, but more times than not, it's you [and I had my share of stubborn, sharp edges to dull down]. You learn about yourself and are honest with what's actually going on inside. This knowledge helps you have the compassion to see beneath other people's outward actions to their heart. And your pride needs a few kicks. Naw, these people aren't less annoying, your superiority complex has been shot full of holes and God has let you catch a glimpse of them through His eyes and not through your inward-tilting ones. Humility and vulnerability are great for a friendship's foundation.

Honestly, though, one of the best qualities I share with this friend is we both make everything so much more fun: whether it be burying dead mice and dog ashes or lugging way too many rocks or hacking down thistles in the middle of the summer or going through papers or reorganizing book shelves or raking leaves or bringing in pumpkins from the garden or washing walls or painting rooms or weeding in the early morning. 10/10 recommend finding a friend like this or becoming one. Because of that...

This friendship has taught me more about living intentionally in community, rather than being dragged about by the busyness of our culture. It's easy in this day and age to say we don't have time for friendship because we probably don't, and it's easy to put a fence around friendship as something that happens in a set time on Saturday afternoons or a movie one evening or sporadic texts through really, really busy periods of our life. I understand the temptation because I do love the safety of structure, the safety of predictability, the safety of knowing when you can take off the mask and be your messy self again -- usch, but the truth is I like showing my best self. Whenever I'm stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or cranky, I'm going to close myself off more often than not, but sometimes that's when I need this type of friendship, community, the most.

It's an hour round trip to where my friend lives which is probably the farthest I ever drive unless I'm going on an actual trip. The whole community idea takes a certain degree of intention because of the distance. If you're going to the same college, living in the same neighborhood, going to the same church, or are housemates, family, etc., then it's easier to cultivate friendships that are actually the 'I'm choosing to live life WITH you' type of ones, but as we grow older and create our individual lives, those friendships will be less and less easy to just have. There won't be anything convenient or easy about them, but oh, these are the best kind!

After 13 years, I think we're [or I am, to be honest] finally getting over the messy 'I'm swallowed in life. I can't show up' obstacle. A couple weeks ago, we were going to get together, but she sent me an overwhelmed text the night before so...[full disclosure: there was still some internal groaning and growing-- "There's so much I need to do. I can't do this." Let's be honest, there will always be things we need to do, BUT people over productivity. Acts of love over accomplishments. There's nothing that makes your burden seem smaller than when you go to lighten someone else's]...I made dinner early and went to her house after work to help her with projects. Last week she came to my house after work and helped me transport a bunch of rocks from one place to another [don't ask] and actually saw the worth in what I was doing [You know you've got a good friend when you both 'ooh' and 'aww' over different rocks, BUT they were cool and not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill rocks]. Yeah, sure, neither of us needed to do these things. We'd both probably get over our breakdowns and keep on keeping on, but living life in community is a gift, a privilege. We get to love people, and through loving people, we get to love Jesus!

Sometimes we dismiss God's fingerprints in our lives because it seems 'too coincidental', but lately I've wondered if God has sustained this friendship through all these years for such a time as this. We might have sowed the first seeds of friendship thirteen years ago and over time wondered why we even kept the thing alive as our paths pulled farther and farther apart, but now, now it's showing that its foundation might have been slow in forming but is truly a shelter and a safe place. Sometimes we have a picture-perfect view of friendship, but the view doesn't often include the nitty gritty work, the commitment to honesty and communication, the patience and presence, the pain.

Maybe the kind of friendships we want most are ones we have to grow into, but if we give ourselves the time to grow and have the willingness to change, there's nothing more precious than growing WITH someone else. Being polished and changed and then looking up and realizing that person is still beside you. Friendship is more sacred than we treat it. Yes, we'll have the kind of friendships where we only go to movies or out to dinner or are always 'do something' with people, and then there will be the friendship where we get to live messy life, not just our highlight reel, with someone else. The best part is we get to adventure with these people. We get to work and we get to be. We get to commune and we get to wrestle. We get to borrow God's eyes to see them with and God's love to remind them who they've been created to be, and it goes both ways.

Promise {poetry}

This world lays so still

between this life and death,

caught between what seems so real

and what we've been promised

it will be.

We will be alright

when all the dust has settled,

when all our blood has spilled,

and the tears mix with the soil.

Still, we will be alright.

Our names have been engraved

on the very palm 

of Someone else's hand,

and Someone's made a promise

that will be kept,

even if we go it alone

and every piece of our heart

is lost in the dirt and dust.

There is a promise

still standing 

somewhere we can't ruin it

with our filthy hands.

A promise that weighs more 

than our own soul

and the lying monologue

circling inside our mind,

circling in close for the kill.

The world seems

to hold its breath

to see which part of me

will make it out alive

from this silent war,

from this fight

between life and death, 

and how my soul is crushed, 

and Your promise lingers on.

We will be alright,

even if I choose to drown.

We will be alright,

even if hope and purpose can't be found.

We will be alright

because we will not be forgotten

by the One with scarred hands.