About Me

Monday, August 26, 2019


Fear creates exhales
and makes absences
something to relieve
this anxiety from off my chest.

If you say goodbye,
I won't have to wonder
when the ball will drop,
when the tear will start,
when my heart will break
because it will
- at least that's what 
fear sees best,
and it's always there to say
things that never set 
my soul at rest.

I'll  say it for you
-'Goodbye' - 
so as not to waste our time
with anything less.
We both have good hearts
and so and so.
We'll leave ourselves at good intentions
because that's all we are
-there isn't time
to pass the tests
and somehow find my trust.
I let fear tell me where to hide it,
and fear always plays
through the scenarios
so you won't ever find it,
then you won't let it fall,
and I'll still be okay
through it all. 

'Solitude is safest'.
In solitary wandering 
no one says you're lost.
No one says you're lonely.
No one calls your actions out
and says that fear is the loudest,
but fear is always the loudest.
Sometimes it fakes safety
when it's imprisoned you at home.
Sometimes it creates exhales
and makes absences seem safest.
- 'I'm happier when you're gone'-
How could I be happier when you're gone? 

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Snapshots of July: The Month Wherein Meaghan Tries to Drown

        Hey everyone, it's be awhile, hasn't it? I hope you're all doing good. I decided I'd try to get back into blogging with something simple like end-of-the-month wrap-ups and work up from there, life and sanity permitting.

I don't know about you guys, but July was LOOOONNNGGGG for me. It started with a family reunion/early celebration for my grandma's 90th birthday. My dad's family is spread all over the country so we had people coming from Florida, Alabama, Kansas, etc. and we didn't even have a 'big' turn out. There was just a lot of people around for the weekend. Sure, they're family, but in this situation, they were practically strangers, too. Nothing like those kinds of situations to remind me that I am, indeed, an introvert.

The following weekend I went up into the hills with a friend from church to kayak on a lake about 45 minutes away. I have regrets about this. It was a perfectly cool day (65 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze which isn't bad for kayaking. It is bad for swimming, but I'm the baseball cap, long-sleeve shirt, and jean sort- of person so no worries there. For the Saturday after the 4th, it really wasn't busy on the lake. We were the one of three cars at the one boat launch (there's multiple camps/access points around the large lake). We had an inflatable kayak we filled up and set out.

Rimrock Lake. The island is somewhere off in the distant. 
        It was pretty fun. We were going with the current, and there were waves, small enough to make it fun, but not large enough to make us feel unsafe. We were headed toward an island  within sight of the boat landing. It's something I like to do when kayaking -- to have a destination, somewhere away from the people, somewhere you can explore. With the current, we reached the island in very little time. The disboarding of a kayak can be a bit inelegant and very much unsteady. It's probably my least favorite part since I generally feel safer with two feet on solid ground (so how come I even bought a kayak, you ask? I might be asking myself that now, too). For a second I was just picturing the kayak floating away with me in it after my friend climbed out (with the oars) and made it to shore. *shudders* These are the kind-of thoughts that haunt me.

Anyway, I tumbled out of the kayak, and we pulled it up on shore, took two steps, and the kayak, filled with a couple inches of water, lifted and blew across the rocky beach. It lingered for a moment on the largest of the rocks before somersaulting into the lake. My kayak, the only way off this island, was leaving me behind most lightheartedly.

And so, for better or worse, I scrambled across the rocky beach and plunged into the water after it. *pushes pause*

Now we interrupt this story to insert some facts. Firstly: Meaghan doesn't much like water. She isn't afraid of it so much as very wary of it. Early on in life I'd say she was afraid of it, due to some older siblings/cousin teasings and just...in general, but through much anxiety she was coerced? Prodded? Persuaded? Forced? into taking swimming lessons. She did, but that was twelve years ago. Unfortunately she hasn't had much practice or experience since then and so some of that discomfort has come back.

Secondly: there's this small but important aspect about the Pacific Northwest and places where the water sources come from melting snow on mountains -- the water is cold. It can be 80 degrees, 90 degrees, what-have-you, and the water will still be COLD, and that cold can be quite shocking if you haven't worked on getting adapted to it. In fact, as long as the water is below about 59 degrees, you are at risk of cold water shock and hypothermia. When you get cold water shock, your body automatically does a 'gasp for air' which is the cause of a lot of drowning. Meaghan actually did know this, though.

Thirdly: When does Meaghan actually make spur of the moment decisions? Like ever?

Rimrock Lake is on the left. This picture was taken in the Fall, though, when the water was being let out as you can tell by all the dry part. Clear Lake on the right. 
        *pushes play*

The water was cold, and instead of the bottom of the lake gradually falling away from the island, it dropped off. Within a couple steps, my feet could no longer feel the ground beneath me. The kayak was being pushed steadily along by the waves, and I was floundering. Hello, life vest, jeans, sandals, and baseball cap. I propelled myself farther from the island, but the wind picked the kayak up and somersaulted it ahead of me. The water was slapping against my chest, getting in my face, my mouth, up my nose. I was gasping for air.

         I don't know what made me jump into the water, but that was the moment I knew I had to get back to the island. There was no way I was going to end up floating in the middle of the lake somewhere between my kayak and the island where my friend was stranded. I managed to work my way back, and when I was close enough, my friend reached out the end of the oar for me to grab to steady myself as I came the rest of the way. And my kayak continued on its merry, careless way.

I was shaking. I couldn't stop shaking. The wind was blowing harder now, hard enough that it made it difficult for us to stand on top of the island and wave our oars in hopes someone somewhere would see us. With all my clothes soaked, I didn't last long. I ended up scrambling down to find the one wind-break on the island between two rocks while she kept watch up top. There the sun came and started to warm me and clear my thoughts. It would have even been a beautiful place to sit and linger, minus the whole 'stranded on an island' part.

       It was going to be alright. We would be alright. After all, I had just finished watching the Agents of Shield episode where Simmons is trapped on a desolate planet without food and water so I had a clear idea how long a person can survive without either. However, the parents were a whole different matter. Sure, spending a night on the island without food and water wasn't ideal, but it'd be an interesting experience, and we'd survive. It just wouldn't be great for the parents when we never came home and later they'd find the car parked near the lake, but all ended well. All our frantic oar waving paid off, and some non-clueless people came along in a small motorboat (while a few clueless people just kept going). It was only meant for two individuals, but one guy stayed on the island, and the other took us back to shore which was a whole a lot of fun *insert sarcasm*.

       They should have taken us one at a time because the front end where my friend and I sat was too low in the water. Subsequently when we were going against the current, the boat was hitting each wave and drenching us with water. I was just holding on for dear life, wondering if after everything, I'd still end up in the middle of the lake. Didn't help that the guy swore each time it happened. Real comforting and all. We reached land. Then we hiked back between the highway and the shore to the car. So ends the saga of inflatable kayak adventures.

I kinda haven't forgiven it for floating away on me...
          I don't know if I like water anymore, or being cold, but hey, I got to ride in a motorboat, and neither of us freaked out externally so that's always a plus. I'm starting to think mishaps like this just happen to me, though. I'm awfully thankful for a God who's watching out and saving me from myself at times.

           How are all of you doing? What exciting things are you doing this Summer? How do you feel about water? Kayaking?

       [Oh yeah, and I also bought a new (used) car in July. So there's that.]


Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Summer Hiatus

Hey there!

I didn't intend to let the blog go dark for a month and a half without any post of explanation, but my plate has been FULL, and the thought of getting a blog post out on top of everything else made me feel I was going to asphyxiate. Sounds kinda dramatic, but it's always ONE MORE thing, small as it may be, that tips the cart over, and I'm an easily stressed individual.

ANYWAYS, this weekend coming up we're having a family reunion/early 90th Birthday Celebration for my grandma. Not that many relatives from that side of the family are actually making the trek, but it will still be a full weekend, and we're the hosts so...yeah...if I have to do a lot of peopling, I prefer to be completely removed from my home world. Otherwise I jump off the deep end trying to balance everyday responsibilities AND quality time with relatives [Or strangers who happen to share the same blood] while still having a positive attitude [AND feeding people. Like...how are we supposed to feed all these people? I have a hard time feeding just myself enough in the Summer].

Even without this reunion, Summer is a crazy busy time for me. I dance a lot on the edge of burnout. I have a lot of long days, a lot of things pulling me in different directions, a lot of moments when I feel like I'm going to asphyxiate. I tend to be left feeling like I've given everything some small, sub-par piece of me or that I always should be doing something else when I settle in on a task. That's the worst feeling -- the constant ripping from contentment in THE moment. I have some bad habits that don't help the burnout problem (like sacrificing the things I need to feed my soul first when things become rush-rush), and I'm working on correcting them, but it's a brick at a time, and I think for now, I'm going to do a blogging hiatus for the Summer. It won't be an entire hiatus. Hopefully I'll be able to pop in from time to time with something, but it won't be consistent or scheduled. I have a lot of ideas that I'd like to get down. I just need to find some time, and right now I'm concentrating whatever sit down time I have on editing my WIP (And someday soon I hope to tell you guys about it! I'm working on the edits before finding beta readers)...or you know, stuff like breathing and eating, not stuffing every minute of every day full to the brim.

How are you all doing? I'll see you around!

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Crooked Fence Builders {poetry}

Let's create perfection
like the fence we put up
those cold days
in that one December,
like its broken boards
and bulging veins
and crooked tops. 

We said we didn't care--
that there was charm
in all its 'we maybe
could've done better'.
That fence was the start
and end to our boundary building --
a different kind of modern art.

Let's create perfection
on shifting sands
and slanting elevation.
We'll lay all our foundations
in the clay-like soil
we break our back against,
but that's perfection for you,
that's fighting with all our might,
striving for something. 

You say we'll create perfection
like the fence we put up
those first few days 
in that cold December,
like the icicles on the edges of our legs,
and the aching fingerprints 
we left on every screw
and every aged board.

I think that's all the perfection I know--
the 'we try our hardest' and still nothing goes.