Music (February 2018 Edition)

This is a continuation of a series I started last month. Because of my love of music and discovering new songs, I thought I'd do a post a month highlighting five different songs for any of those in need of new music! Hope you enjoy!

1. The Throwback.

I don't even remember actually hearing this song when I was younger. Maybe my dad sang it. All I know is when I was older, I started singing it at random and wondered where on earth it came from and what inspired a singer to write a song like this???

'You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd' - Roger Mill

2. The Instrumental.

I don't play computer games, but my brother does, and he showed me this song. My favorite part is around the 1:55 mark. The string instruments. So achingly beautiful. But also the vocals in the background. That always gives music a haunting quality. 

'Arkham City Main Theme' - Nick Arundel

3. The International.

Loreena McKennitt is Canadian (which isn't terribly international), but the greater part of her music is influenced by Celtic and Middle-Eastern themes. If you haven't heard of her, you need to listen to this. Her music stands apart from pretty much all of my music (except maybe Enya). The poetry, instrumentation, her voice. All of it is perfect <3

'Dante's Prayer' - Loreena McKennitt

4. The Newest Addition.

I was listening to a daily mix on Spotify and heard this song a couple weeks ago. I didn't realize it was by Relient K at first, but that's mostly because I think of 'Sady Hawkins' Dance' and 'I Must Have Done Something Right'  when I think of Relient K. As a writer trying to build a social media platform, I do have a hard time detaching entirely from electronics, and it leaves me feeling frustrated and trapped. And as an introvert who prefers written communication, it's easy to settle only for distant relationships.

'Look On Up' - Relient K

5. Top Favorite. 

I actually bought Emeli Sande's first full album on Amazon when it was one of the $5 dollar albums, and she has a lot of good songs on it, but this is one of the many that stuck out. 

'River' - Emeli Sande

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Have you heard of any of these artists or songs? What did you think of them? What kind of music did you grow up with? Any new finds? Please share in the comments! 

Dear Anxious Heart

Dear Anxious Heart,

This isn't your fault.

Hold up, don't stop listening to me.

I know you. I know what you're thinking because I've been hearing all the things you've said to yourself for the past ten years. It's that verse in the Bible, isn't it? The one where you're supposed to hold every thought captive? You're beating yourself over the head because killing those pesky little thoughts is what you're supposed to be doing. You're not supposed to have a million worries tearing you to pieces day in and day out.

Oh, you know really well what you're supposed to be doing. You've rehearsed it: Don't worry. Have you looked at the birds lately? Do they worry? Does worrying change anything? What about the verse where perfect love casts out fear? Yeah, I'm guessing you must not have much love inside, right? Then there's the practical side: Anxiety kills sleep, kills joy, physically kills (you know anxiety can help cause severe medical problems? Mom wonders some days if anxiety was part of the cause of her heart attack, but let's not think about that. It makes us anxious). It kills hope. And friendship. And let's not start talking about your future.

I've heard your 'mature' side going to war against those anxious thoughts. Mature side? No, it isn't your mature side. I've heard its cutthroat threats. Its screams: You should know better than this. If you loved God, you'd just do what you need to do, what you're called to do. Get over yourself. You're so selfish and self-conscious. You're a people-pleaser. You are not capable of doing anything. You can't even go into Walmart without putting on army as if you're going to war. Good grief, it's just a store! You hide behind some sacrificial garb to avoid facing your life. Oh, and you don't have any self-confidence (is that really surprising?). You love yourself more than Jesus. You'd rather be safe and warm in your little ball of a comfort zone than follow Him. You're a coward.

Oh, Anxious Heart! You're not a coward. You are courageous, and you are a warrior. Even when alarms are screaming, and they all scream the same, you still get up in the morning, and you try. You give life a go. You're bloody and bruised, but you haven't succumbed to hopelessness. You haven't given up. You think anxiousness is a part of your heart, a flaw in your character, but it isn't! It isn't you, even as it tries to swallow you up and forces you to believe all these lies. You're just a child hidden away in a closet of a house with bolted doors and windows. There's a knock at the door, but in your dark closet you cannot see if it's an enemy who will trespass or a friend. All those resounding knocks carry through the house the same - as alarms. That is anxiety.

But Jesus doesn't despise you, heart that's a little anxious. He knows you, and He knows the battles you fight every day. He doesn't ever, ever, ever despise you.

And sometimes it's not even your fault - these anxious thoughts. These moments of rapid heartbeat where you can't hardly breath, and everything is too much, and something has to change. Sometimes the seeds of anxiety were planted long before you had the Holy Spirit inside to help you ward them off.

Oh, heart that's anxious, what an unfair world we live in where small, hardly memorable, 'let's just brush them off' moments have scarred. Moments when bigger hands and bigger arms were supposed to protect you because you didn't know how to protect yourself. Moments when 'you just have to grow a thicker skin' created a current of consequential actions you didn't even know were anything but an aspect of your personality.

Dear (for the moment) Anxious Heart, remember these things: You are not anxiety. Don't rip yourself apart because you know this is not the way God wants you to live and you think it's all your fault. Don't hold a pity party. These plants might have grown up when you were young, but you fight against them, and you must continue to fight. Your weaknesses don't have to separate you from God. Surrender to His mercy. He waits just beyond the wall of your own strength to reach out and grasp you. He will be your safety, the house where your closet is hidden (and He'll know just who's at the door).

Dear heart, if you see yourself as broken, it's just because we all are. Only our cracks are in different places.

It's a Lonely Place

I know it's a lonely place

-This place with its every day walls-

But I'm never really lonely

Until I try not to be lonely,

If that makes any sense at all. 

I contort myself to fit the crowd,

And then I don't even like myself

-The version I am out there.

I can't breathe or simply be

When I believe that who I am is not enough.

So this is the place where I stay.

You call it my comfort zone.

I just know it's where I'm most me.

Can't that be enough?

I'll paint this place a warmer tone

Once my roots dig deep,

Once you're finally convinced

It's alright for me to stay,

Untouched by people out there

Whose circles I squarely fit.

So it's alright

If at first it's a little lonely

-This place with its worn, old walls -

I'll grow used to all its colors,

And then they'll soon be just me.

Snapshots of January

The wind is howling. It rages down the hillside and throws itself at the corner of the house where my bedroom is. We don't have wind like this in February, but we also don't have 62 degree days, and we've had both in the last twenty-four hours. I have to keep reminding myself it's only February (in fact, I accidentally made the above graphic say 'February' instead of 'January' the first three times I edited it), and sometimes I catch myself and realize it's already February. 

This is just the irrigation pond that's on the property. Yesterday I saw ducks already around it. I hope it doesn't dry up before April when it's filled. 

January was long. And short. It was filled with gray days when all the colors became the same and only a little snow. I didn't take as many pictures, but I did go on walks. In fact I went on two trails in the valley that I haven't been on for years. One was more of a wilderness trail that follows a creek inside a canyon (more my style). And the other goes along the freeway from one side of the valley to the other. We didn't go the whole way, but we did manage to see some bald eagles along the river. Both are more popular trails (and we did them on the weekend when the weather was gorgeous) which is alright, but I prefer hikes where there isn't a whole lot of people. I guess I'm spoiled because I've lived out from the city all my life, but fresh air and exercise and sunshine and just having an excuse to be outside is always good. 

I started waltz lessons which wasn't anticipated. About ten years ago, I had learned the basic step but didn't go any farther. Now I've been sucked in. The senior center has open lessons, and we've gone twice so far. It's been a very interesting experience for me, and I think it'll help my self-consciousness. I'll either die of embarrassment or stop caring what other people think. Thankfully I've chosen the latter in this situation because last lesson, the instructor used me as his partner while he demonstrated a step. No biggie. I wasn't freaking out at all.

In January I can't help thinking about gardening. In spite of my garden flopping the last three years, I am always drawn to the outdoors. I'm drawn to the outdoors even though there's a month and a half till I can possibly plant the first things (it's torture). This year I've been contemplating straw bale gardening. It'd give my garden plot a rest, and maybe it would keep me being able to garden even as I collect more working hours and my responsibilities increase. But I'm also going to invest in one of those handy compost tumblers (where you put the compostables in and are able to turn it with a handle as opposed to a garden fork). It's all pretty exciting. I'm hoping these plans will come to fruition because there is something hopeful about a garden that grows. And when you have the growing bug, you have to be outside everyday to weed and water and plant and harvest. You just have to, and it breaks your heart if all your work gives you weeds. If you don't have the growing bug...well, there's no hope you'll understand.

Unexpectedly I ended up watching two movies in the theater. The Greatest Showman and Darkest Hour. Very, very different movies. I anticipated liking The Greatest Showman more out of the two, but I ended up liking Darkest Hour the best. I won't say anything about The Greatest Showman because I'll probably be shot; so I'll just talk about Darkest Hour. It's the story of Winston Churchill. More specifically the first month or so of when he was in office. It coincides with the time of Dunkirk. I've read a lot of Historical Fiction over the years. I never really, really enjoyed it, but there is something about historical movies that strike a chord with me (and I had forgotten this), especially stories about events that have obviously been touched by God. I am astounded when I see God's incredible mercy and provision. Sometimes there are details left out when stories are told that make them ten times more amazing. Little aspects that played an important part in the bigger picture.  But then with Darkest Hour, there were these small moments that I appreciated too, along with the way the characters were brought to life. Conversations Winston Churchill had with his wife. With his King. It's much more of a historical drama than a war movie. It reminded me of Amazing Grace in some ways. Lots of political arguments in the British Parliament and British humor.

 A couple days ago the red-wing blackbirds returned. The hawks built their nest in the neighbor's towering tree (and hopefully it hasn't blown down in this wind). The robin was back and taking a bath in the giant puddle we have in our driveway. The birds are singing in the trees every morning, and the first wildflower popped up out of the mud. Yes, it's spring, and it's time to come alive again.

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What was January like for you? When do things start feeling Springish in your neck of the woods? Have you taken any sort of dance lessons? If you haven't, would you consider doing it?