Finding Your People

Originally I wanted to write this post back in December. It was inspired by long conversations with my mom and 'down the rabbit hole' streams of thought. At first I was approaching this as a single person, but since then, I'm not *as* single. In the end of December, I started getting to know a young man from church, but since nothing is very concrete about dating, I have still thought about this.

Not everyone gets married. Sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance. And at times the idea of not getting married is a lonely thought. Throughout life, you've had relationships come and go, and there was always that eventual go. You kind-of set yourself up for it so maybe this time won't hurt so bad. Siblings grow up and go to college. They get jobs. They get families. They get their own lives. They might come to visit, but eventually they leave with 'their people'. And you don't have 'your people', not yet anyway. There's always that nagging thought, though. Maybe 'yet' is actually just 'never' disguised with hope.

Family is good. They're your people while growing up, but as painful a thought as it is, they won't be with you forever. You won't always be cohabiting with people who drive you up the walls and polish your edges, who help keep you aware of other people's problems, who teach you patience.Your parents won't always be there to give you wisdom and correction and pray for you. Your siblings won't always be your live-in best friend. And we, as humans, are partial to that kind-of community. And sometimes that good, wholesome yearning gets the best of us. We desperately look for it, and we end up getting into romantic relationships hoping those will fulfill our need. We've had a taste of having our people, but we yearn for our person. The one that doesn't pack up and leave.

I guess that's one of the main reasons why we need to build ourselves a support system with a variety of people. It keeps us from rushing into anything. If our lives are filled, then why should we be in any hurry to find a significant other? If our lives are filled, we don't try to have some stranger fulfill our need for intimacy and emotional stability. We're not desperate to fill some hole. We have all the time in the world because marriage isn't essential to our worth or identity or the fulfillment of our life. Yes, those things are ultimately found in God, but God uses other people to remind us. A strong support group that's already in place will help you make wise decisions in relationships. They'll know what your goals in life are, they'll fight for you, and they won't be afraid to wop you over the head if you lose your mind Sure, the final choice is always gonna be yours, but marriage is far more than just for companionship or for 'fun'. It's so that together, you make each other stronger Christians, but that's what any close friendship is supposed to do anyway.

Single just for now? Single always? It doesn't matter. Your life doesn't revolve around that. You have a family, a handpicked family.

But I suppose there are the negatives: if you're perfectly happy with your life, if it's filled, then where does a guy fit in later on? Some of us will have to carve a space out. Some of us will have decided that this singleness fits us. It isn't because we're scared of the intimacy that comes with these dating relationships which may or may not lead to sacred marriage or because we can't stand the idea of having to consider someone else's needs again or being interrupted by people on a regular basis. It's because marriage isn't meant for us. And that's perfectly alright because we won't ever be alone. If something doesn't fit, it doesn't have to be forced. And taking time to make up your mind is alright, too.

Steps Turn Into a Dance

I hope you are the one

-There. That's something

I won't ever let you know. 

It goes where secrets go

Somewhere deep inside my soul. 

I hope you are the one

-I'll set my sights on you

And watch and wonder

And hope and dread

As each day passes,

And this doesn't fall apart.

I wait and expect it

To break within itself

Like everything else 

That's started out as something good.

It would be much easier

If this was a 'could have been',

Instead of something

That might shake the basis

Of what I have been

And who I am,

But I hope you are the one

-It's a flicker deep inside

That has barely come alive.

If you are what you say you are,

If there's meaning to your words,

Then maybe my hand can fit

Together with your hand.

Maybe our steps can turn into a dance,

Or at least we won't trip

If we try to walk in time. 

Mostly I just hope

That by some chance

This won't leave me lost,

And perhaps once will be enough

To remove my garden walls

And let me learn to trust

And then maybe to love. 

Snapshots of March

So many dreams, but only so much time and strength. God, refrain the madness of this fool. God, grant mercy to this hopeless heart. 

March. Hmm. I'm a little late to this, but honestly, for awhile, I couldn't even remember what I did last month. I struggled a lot of the month with burnout (and I'm still working through that). There's so much I want to do, and it's difficult to put limits on myself because if there's a will, there's a way, right? At least that's what I've told myself a lot, but I actually read in March the idea that your 'will' can become an idol. Some people are super strong-willed. They have a lot of doggedness, and it keeps them from truly trusting God to give them the strength and also the wisdom to know what is theirs to carry and what isn't. 

That's me, though. I've run on will for a loooonnnnggg time. Years, and honestly, I'm starting to fray. So I'm trying to take a step back. To pull my loose threads from everywhere they've become entangled. It's hard to admit you've spread yourself too thin and you've bitten off more than you can chew because pride and will. But sometimes you have the heart and not the strength. And sometimes after awhile of running on heart, your heart begins to suffer. I have a lot to work through.  

There's a church that has concerts the second Sunday of each month, except for the Summer months, and because of connections, they're able to host some pretty awesome classical musicians. In March they had a classical guitarist perform. A man originally from Great Britain but who is currently the artist in residence at the University of Washington in Seattle. 1. It's amazing what people can do on guitars. 2. Guitar music is very, very soothing (confession: I almost fell asleep). It's also inspiring to see someone who has devoted their life to their passion and become excellent in it. 

On St. Patrick's Day, we went to the Symphony for their special Irish concert. We sat on the ground floor for a change instead of being up in the rafters, but I prefer the cheaper seats because you have a fuller view of all the musicians. The first half of the concert was something Felix Mendelssohn composed after seeing Ireland. I'm not usually a fan of the Romantics (I prefer the Baroque period), but it was a beautiful piece but probably the longest I've ever listened to live. Not sure how I feel about that. (and I won't mention that I almost fell asleep here, too. Guys, this is getting bad). 

The second half was St. Brendan's Voyage, and they had a special guest who played the Uilleann  pipes. This was so worth it. I'm glad I paid the extra to go because can I just say I love pipes? (My best friend informed me that she would never come to visit if I bought pipes. And my sister said she'd kill me). St. Brendan's Voyage is a set of songs inspired by an Irish legend of a man sailing from Ireland to Newfoundland in 5th century. It's very dramatic, and I've always loved music that tells a story, especially when it's instrumentals. One song in the set of music is a reel, and I could barely keep my foot from tapping. 

The only movie I remember watching this month is 'I Can Only Imagine' which we went to see in the theaters. I'm always skeptical of Christian movies (please, no more 'God's Not Dead' movies. Just no), but I've watched all the other Erwin Brother films, and they have overall impressed me (October Baby, Moms' Night Out, and Woodlawn). And it was interesting to see them do a film about real people (and seeing the actors they got to play a young Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant). The quality is up there, and there wasn't any cringy Christian moments that we've grown accustomed to. So I'm glad it's getting the buzz it has been getting. I enjoy when a sturdy film that is considered an 'underdog' surprises everyone. 

I didn't get a lot of reading done. Mostly I ended up chugging away at the Boundary book I mentioned in last month's wrap-up and finished that. Then I worked on a 400 page, small print (I dislike small print so much) Historical Fiction novel taking place in WWII. Now I'm reading a book about gardening! I'm sure you'd just love for me to talk about that (I'm actually enjoying the read...so...go figure...).

And as far as writing goes, not as much as I wish. About 15 and a 1/2 hours of writing in the month. BUT I did sent the first 9 chapters to a friend, and she sent me this:

So the question I have to ask myself is why on earth I'm not finished getting the silly thing edited? Because life, folks, and falling asleep at random. But I hope this month (or next month. Let's be practical) I'll do an introduction for this book. So that'll be fun.

+++

How was your month? What was the highlight of it? Have you watched 'I Can Only Imagine'? What's your favorite Christian film? Do you have any St. Patrick's day traditions? What do you think of the cover my friend made? This is the first time I've ever gotten a cover for any of my stories, but I usually do just about the bare bones for my stories (writing them. no pictures or plotting or planning :P). Have you ever made covers for your stories? I hope you're all well!

Even Miracles Leave Scars

Sometimes the best things happen. The miraculous things.  Events that show the evidence of God's tender mercies. Curtain closed because when prayers are answered and lives saved, when a mother gets a new heart and goes back to her children, that is the end of the story. There can't be anything more to add to all the unimaginable good.

But even miracles leave scars.

And I know about miracles, and I know about scars. And the world does close the curtain after miracles. And life does seem to continue on the outside. Why wouldn't it be any different from what you see? If the miracle hadn't happened, then it would be just another part of life and death. If a person was a survivor of a tragedy, there might be some lasting damage. Some cracks on the surface. Some scars. Some need of a bandage here and there, a little help for the healing.

But the good? The miracle stuff? There's no healing needed there. No band aid on a brokenness. Good doesn't equal bad. It can't be bad. We were given so much. Our cup was overflowed with blessings so why does it now seem empty? Why has the miraculous become the limping mundane?

A couple weeks ago you might have read my post celebrating 18 years since my mom's heart transplant. That's big, and it's something to make us exceedingly joyful. There is nothing that can negate from God's immense love and provision for us through that time and continuing to today. But it's not perfect. Nothing will be perfect this side of heaven, and on this side of heaven, miracles leave scars.

I've told you about the miracle, but the scars? It's harder to talk about them because you're left with evidence of a seemingly cruel kindness, and God is never cruel. But you wonder about God's love all the same. Why, God? Why is it this way? Why does a nine-year-old turn into a teenager with depression who turns into a young woman who struggles with the fear of a returning depression all her life? Why does a three-year-old who remembers people's faces and sadness but no other emotions turn into a teenager with lack of confidence issues because she isn't brave and she should be braver. What is wrong with her? But her parents don't need two squeaky wheels and it isn't her mom's fault but maybe all the time she's just had anxiety disorder? Why? Why do miracles hurt? 

We got the heart, but what about the empty place at the table? What about the heart missing from someone else's life? Curtain closed. Don't look too closely or you'll see we're just threadbare in survival mode. 18 years and still in survival mode. Medications. Hospital stays. Emergency rooms. Fear. Wondering. Uncertainty.

Maybe these scars are here on our hearts so we might never forget it is by God's great love that we are not consumed. We can ask God to take them away. We can plead that He will, but sometimes His answer will be the same as the one He gave Paul - 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness'. We are crippled and so we cling. We are bruised so He can bind us up. Man of sorrows, what a name!