Fighting Forgetfulness

Why am I even doing this? What's the point? All I ever do is go non-stop to sew up the loose ends other people leave, to pick up the slack. Why am I out here working again when everyone else is on their computer or reading? I should do what she says. I should just focus on my own stuff. Besides, when is enough enough? I could keep going like this forever, and it'd make no difference. Why don't they ever think about helping me? This isn't even my project!

Hold up! Where are these bitter, angry thoughts coming from? Just last night I was reading Ann Voskamp's The Broken Way. She was talking about serving and loving and giving. And I wanted that so much. I wanted to help people, to love people, even the unlovable ones. And yet, here I am having a hard time loving the people who actually, in their human broken way, love me back. That feeling of having a world of potential inside but no outlet - where did that go? That feeling of a lightbulb coming on. Yes, this is the way I should live, but how? That feeling of overflowing with love, but no one to love - where'd that go, too?

Ann wrote about a study that showed when a person helps someone else more than three times a day, they end up feeling less stressed. Not the big, earth-shattering help. No, just the simple acts of kindness, of giving of one's self and energy. Open doors. Hang up clothes. Move along laundry. Let someone else go in line before you. Cook dinner. The mundane. The mind-numbing.

Then what on earth am I doing wrong? Why don't I feel less stressed? Why do I feel suffocated when I think that someone might ask one more thing of me? I wash dishes by hand after everyone else has already gone to bed. I hardly have an hour of quiet to myself unless I stay up hours after everyone else has gone to bed. I give of myself. I give of myself, but why aren't I filled? Is it because I do them for the wrong reasons? I don't know my reasons. I just can't stop myself.

Ann also wrote about what she called 'chronic soul amnesia'. Our faithful forgetfulness - oh, you can sure count on it more than anything else in the world. Temptations? They're hardly needed. We forget what we're supposed to know, and then it doesn't occur to us there's a battlefield going on inside of our mind. Just these thoughts. These thoughts that tear and rip and shred every bit of hope and joy and thankfulness.

This chronic soul amnesia is why we have to continually relearn lessons again. It's why we spend a year trying to move on and end up in the exact same place spiritually.

I forget so much. I forget that nothing we do for the Lord is useless (1 Corinthians 15:58). That we can do all for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). That we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). That He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). That He is actually in us (John 14:23). That He is the only giver of peace and we shouldn't be afraid (John 14:27).  That we should always be joyful and prayerful and thankful 'for this is God's will' (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

And still with all these promises, I forget. I stumble and trip, and I get mad at myself because I'm so human. I go from light bulb moments when I think I finally get it to the darkest places in seconds. My forgetfulness is constant, but I'm not.

That's why we're supposed to read the Bible every day. That's why we purposely memorize portions of Truth. That's why we listen to songs reinforcing Truths. That's why we do Communion. That's why we surround ourselves with people like us who fight this forgetfulness. It's so we don't forget, and if we do, we'll remember it all again soon.

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I don't know. These are just the rambling thoughts of a frustrating day, a frustrating week. What are your thoughts on this? Do you struggle with this chronic soul amnesia? What do you do to help yourself remember? You all should read 'The Broken Way' by Ann Voskamp. It was a bit rough getting back into her style, but she writes poignantly. So many wonderings. So much possibility.