Random, Rambling Thoughts of an INFJ (#3)

Maybe it's because I'm the youngest. Maybe it's because of my personality. Maybe it's a whole lot of things all mashed together. I don't know because I don't know many people who are the youngest, and I don't know many people who feel the same way, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to be left behind or have been left behind. Like I'll be grown out of or are already grown out of. It's a fear I have and can't seem to shake. Life is all about moving and changing, and sometimes that means leaving some people behind. For most people, it's probably a sad part of life, but they're also moving on. They're also going on to great and exciting new adventures.

But that's not me. I'm still here.

My best friend and brother closest to my age moved away to the other side of the country two years ago. Another close friend got married the December before last and moved off to Michigan. Now she has a baby girl. Suddenly she seems so much older than me and more mature. Another friend went to a three month discipleship program where she was not encouraged to have much contact with the outside world. During that time, she experienced one of the saddest times in her life, but I wasn't there. Other people took the place of comforters. She grew closer to other people as we grew farther apart. Friendships change - I've been told that, but I don't like it much.

Because I am still here.

And the longer I stay, the less likely I'll find new people to replace the old, and how could they really replace them? No one can replace old friendships. There might be new ones. Different ones, but not the same. The longer I stay, the less likely I'll build a support group because how many people stay? Why would they stay? It's not society's way.

And even if they stayed, people change. It's a sad thing when people change, and you watch from a distance. I don't think I've changed much in the past years, not significantly, but maybe I have, and what if I have? Three years ago, I wrote a poem type thing. It was written with a specific friend in mind who I used to talk with almost night over gmail chatting. Part of it was just fear. Part of it was actually already happening. It was full of wondering how the 'unfriending' began. Wondering what if I changed, and what if I became someone the friend didn't like anymore. Sometimes the change isn't a bad thing either. Sometimes it's just because you change and your friend doesn't at the same rate or doesn't ever, but if you're the one not doing the changing then you feel left behind and outgrown.

Maybe this fear started when I was younger. I'm the youngest of five. My mom had me when she was already in her early forties which isn't the norm. Between my eldest brother and me, there are eleven years. I don't know why it was this way, but growing up, all the families we did things with had children much older than me. I was the one stuck on the end. Even amongst cousins, I was the youngest (out of all cousins, I have only one younger one). By the time I was deemed 'old enough' not to be randomly stuck on the end, they were in college, had a job, or were even married. I mean, when my eldest brother moved away from home, I was only 9. My next brother moved out when I was 12. I was probably still viewed the little, annoying sister.

When I tried to work on building up more friendships while I was still high school, I had the opposite problem. The people around my age were all the oldest in their families. In some ways, I think they were more mature than me because their experiences were different than mine, and they weren't able to understand that feeling of being left behind or outgrown.

Even now I sometimes have this feeling, but time has given me more perspective. There's many things I might not have discovered if I hadn't been excluded. For starters, I learned to entertain myself with story creating which eventually lead to writing the stories down. If not for feeling like an island some days, I wouldn't have had the time. I might not have even cared about stories, and I think God has given me stories as one of many lifelines.

Secondly, I think this quote by Dag Hammarskjold sums up the other good thing:

"Didst thou give me this inescapable loneliness so that it would be easier for me to give Thee all?"

There's nothing like those kinds of feelings to force you to turn to someone you know won't ever leave you behind. Won't ever grown out of you. Won't ever stop loving you because you've changed or because, for goodness' sake, you still haven't. To top it off, He also knew what He was doing when He created you with the personality you have and planted you in the place where you are. Most times, that's all I am betting on, because it isn't easy when following God's plan leaves you sometimes feeling like you've been outgrown or left behind since His plan for your life isn't like His plan for everyone else.

-So-

Have you felt this way? Do you think it's a birth order thing? Or do you think everyone feels this way at one point or another in their life?

I'm over here climbing back out of the pit of stomach flu. Can't seem to keep the sicknesses at bay. I might title these words as ramblings, but I kinda slaved over them because my mind isn't on top of things yet. Still, I guess they are rambling in the sense I started them with no knowledge of where I was going to go with them, and some parts I'm still not sure about...Would love your thoughts!