Invisible Property Line

Invisible property line 

-- Am I trespassing on yours

Or are you trespassing on mine?

If you just keep your distance,

I'm sure we'll be fine.

These lines are for our safety,

Or at least that's what I'll say 

As I take my steps away.

We could be friends

Or maybe friendly neighbors,

But that would imply

A wave as I go by,

And I don't think that's what you think of

When you say that's what we'll be.

These laws are for a purpose

--To keep us contentedly in a box

Or a square or rectangle

Or whatever the lines are

That make up your staked property,

And I'm in this box contentedly

With no wish to make its corners curved,

But you are a little close for comfort,

Coming closer every day.

Don't you remember

There's this invisible property line,

And I'm sure you're invading mine.

Just take a step back,

And then I'll build a fence

Which we will conversate across.

We won't worry about lines

-- I won't worry about how close you are

Because we'll always have this wall

--This protection for my heart.

I guess I'll add 'hello'

To my daily wave,

And I guess we'll be friendly neighbors now,

Even though the fence will bock our faces

From having further conversations. 

Snapshots of April

Hearts are broken in ten thousand ways, for this is a heart-breaking world; and Christ is good at healing all manner of heart-breaks. - Charles Spurgeon

In April, I learned more about friendships. And people. And relationships. And communication (especially the faults of written/typed communication - for all its handiness, it can be quite destructive). And love. Sometimes you think you have those things down, or at least you think you know how they should work, but how often do they follow that set of rules in your head? (Pretty much never). I tend to linger on the side of pessimism in life (because if you don't expect much of anyone or anything, then you won't get disappointed, right?), but still, even as a pessimist, I put too much stock in people, and surprise, they disappoint because everyone is human. Everyone has some big log in front of their eye, and I get that. And not everyone's pursuit of God is the same, and I understand that, too, but I guess what surprised me is how close you can feel to someone, how you can never have disagreements over Biblical living, and then the carpet gets pulled out from underneath you.

I guess this month I learned what it's like for someone to die but not to physically die. For someone to still exist but somewhere else, somewhere they are no longer in your life. How you can love someone so much but still be unable to say anything that will remind them of that love because they've lost faith in your heart. Misunderstood hearts ache from sorrow, from indignation. Then comes the inevitable "Was I wrong?" Does love really confront or stay silent? If 'the moment you're most repelled by someone's heart is when you need to draw closer to that heart', then how do you draw close to someone's heart that has shut you out?

But even if mistakes were made, even if attempts were misguided, God can redeem them for good. And maybe I'm blunter than I think I am? And maybe being honest isn't always best, even though I promised myself to be more honest about how I feel/what I think rather than stuffing those things down in the basement (But now I'm back to feeling like stuffing things in the basement is a good idea). Like everything, I suppose it's a balance, a middle ground, and I don't know about middle grounds. Please, someone tell me you struggle with balance, too. That sometimes you're too black and white about things. And please tell me there is something good in being black and white.

My brother (the Navy nurse one) visited from the East Coast for a week towards the end of April. He came for one of his best friend's wedding. It was a short visit, but a nice break (I took most of the week off from work, but I was still tired which shows emotional things are more tiring than physically tiring activities). One day we headed up into the mountains hoping there were some hiking trails open this early in the year. It was the hottest day we've had so far, and even in the mountains it was warm. We kept driving and saw a bit of snow here and there in the forest. There were butterflies and bumble bees out. It was 72 degrees. Everything was looking pretty good...and then...on the very last section of road to the trail head, we got stuck...in the snow. It was only on the road and not really in the forest. Yup. 72 degrees. Butterflies and bumble bees and...snow. Go figure. I briefly had a moment of horror as I remembered the whole 'no cellphone service in the mountain regions of Washington', but it really wasn't hard to get the car out.

We backtracked to another pass and another trail, and it was even hotter there. Felt like a desert, really. Almost 80 degrees. The trail was in the bottom of a canyon and followed a small stream.
It was a mixture of the kind of landscape we have around our house (like the above picture) and forest, but since it had been colder up to that point, there weren't any wildflowers around and the trees hadn't leafed out. So it was desolate. Like a Winter hike but with sun and heat. Not the greatest hike, to be honest. I didn't even get any good photos. And we didn't make it to the end of the trail because my brother said it was 3 miles roundtrip...then 5 miles...then we reached the end dot on his trail app, and the trail kept going. So...he decided we'd climb up out of the canyon to at least get a view. The canyon's sides kept going, and the climbing was steep which meant we had to go back down, and going back down was definitely not my highlight. I'm pretty sure my brother was embarrassed of me, even though there was literally no one around. But since my double sprained ankle in the Winter, I didn't want to take any chances.

We were supposed to get home by an earlyish time to hang out and watch movies with the sister so on the way back, my brother was in front to set the pace (but nobody is ever gonna hurry me - 100% accurate). All of the sudden, there was a loud noise (kinda like when a cat is startled and explodes), and my brother danced back a few steps to me. About a foot and a half from the trail was a Prairie Rattlesnake all wound up and in strike mode. So...we debated our options (a. throw sticks and try to scare it away from the path. b. wait for it to move. c. try to walk around it (but the path in that area was pretty tight) or d. go back up to where we crossed the stream and follow the stream down to where it connected with the path again), and we decided to follow the stream. Going off the trail wasn't very fun because now we were super wary of meeting more rattlesnakes and we wouldn't be able to see them that well this way, and the bushes/trees grew close to the stream so we had to push through branches and stuff. Fun times.

We made it home, and my siblings forced me to stay up till 2 to play Marvel movie catch up. It was three movies (2 Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor: Ragarnok), and it was too many. I was not made for marathons. Blurgh. Especially action movie marathons because you start feeling whiplashed, and you forget all the characters names, and you wonder if Thor: Ragarnok is just a continuation of The Guardians of the Galaxy. And you eat way too much pizza, popcorn, and ice cream (actually, that didn't happen. I ate it all, and I wasn't stuffed because hiking does that to people). Yep, but it was all in preparation for Infinity War which we went to see, and now I'm Marveled out. So yeah, I guess that means I actually watched more movies this month than I have for awhile.

























I went on another hike that same weekend. It was a local one. A little over 3 miles but very beautiful. It was an overcast day. In the 60s. And the hike afforded good views of the valley, and it was in a nice little area. Sure, the landscape was some I've seen a million times, but familiar is good, too.

Otherwise:

I finished Cress in The Lunar Chronicles.

I bought two books! (Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, this is abnormal). A book by Shannon Dittemore and a book by Jill Williamson (granted, I bought the third book in one of her series by accident. That just goes to show how good I am at book buying). Since I've followed GoTeenWriters for so long, I wanted to support them.

My calendar in my bedroom is still in February...so...that just shows you how my life is going :P

Went to a flute, bassoon, and piano concert, and I didn't fall asleep or almost fall asleep! Progress.

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How was your April? Favorite part? Least favorite part? Do you know of any books that have a similar feel to The Lunar Chronicles? I've really enjoyed those books so far, and I would love to find more like them. Do any of you run into poisonous snakes? Do you have any stories about them? (I've helped my dad kill two rattlesnakes in our yard...). Hope your May is wonderful!

The Bruises of Friends

"I ran the risk
Of being intimate with my brokenness.
I was given a gift of hope and a thousand finger prints
On the surfaces of who I am." -Ryan O'Neal

They say the bruises of friends can be trusted, but I don't know what that means. Who truly bruises you for good? We bruise each other with our selfishness and pride, with our careless words and pinpointed daggers because we know each other's weaknesses. We know each other's weaknesses, and we would use them against one another.

We would never trust the bruises of friends. We'd rather lose faith in the heart of the one who loves us than acknowledge the truth. Who wants to be told they're wrong? We don't need to hear those words. We don't need to take those bruises. There are others out there who do not judge, who will not question or challenge, who will let us be comfortable in our lives, with our decisions.

People are dispensable, or at least that's what they say, but a love that loves regardless of our wrongs, our mistakes is greater than a love that loves and sees no wrongs. A heart of love will bruise you but be there to bind you up. Love will not expose your nakedness to the world but quietly clothe the ugliness and look on you the same.

The bruises of friends can be trusted because it means they aren't afraid of being intimate with your brokenness. They aren't afraid to reach down and say, "You don't repulse me." Those are the friends who have been given God's eyes to see us with. They see us and who we can be. They love us enough to want better for us than we, at times, want for ourselves. And that kind of love is without price.

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I'm temporarily forgetting about my blog schedule because it's stressing me out. Plus, one of my brothers was home for a week, and I didn't have much extra time. 

Also, this subject is something I've been thinking about for a bit. I wrote it all down, and then I found this more in-depth article just yesterday (funny how God seems to send things your way at the perfect time), and I really recommend reading it. Some of the things stated are similar to what I said here, but I would say it has a stronger Biblical center. 

Finding Your People

Originally I wanted to write this post back in December. It was inspired by long conversations with my mom and 'down the rabbit hole' streams of thought. At first I was approaching this as a single person, but since then, I'm not *as* single. In the end of December, I started getting to know a young man from church, but since nothing is very concrete about dating, I have still thought about this.

Not everyone gets married. Sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance. And at times the idea of not getting married is a lonely thought. Throughout life, you've had relationships come and go, and there was always that eventual go. You kind-of set yourself up for it so maybe this time won't hurt so bad. Siblings grow up and go to college. They get jobs. They get families. They get their own lives. They might come to visit, but eventually they leave with 'their people'. And you don't have 'your people', not yet anyway. There's always that nagging thought, though. Maybe 'yet' is actually just 'never' disguised with hope.

Family is good. They're your people while growing up, but as painful a thought as it is, they won't be with you forever. You won't always be cohabiting with people who drive you up the walls and polish your edges, who help keep you aware of other people's problems, who teach you patience.Your parents won't always be there to give you wisdom and correction and pray for you. Your siblings won't always be your live-in best friend. And we, as humans, are partial to that kind-of community. And sometimes that good, wholesome yearning gets the best of us. We desperately look for it, and we end up getting into romantic relationships hoping those will fulfill our need. We've had a taste of having our people, but we yearn for our person. The one that doesn't pack up and leave.

I guess that's one of the main reasons why we need to build ourselves a support system with a variety of people. It keeps us from rushing into anything. If our lives are filled, then why should we be in any hurry to find a significant other? If our lives are filled, we don't try to have some stranger fulfill our need for intimacy and emotional stability. We're not desperate to fill some hole. We have all the time in the world because marriage isn't essential to our worth or identity or the fulfillment of our life. Yes, those things are ultimately found in God, but God uses other people to remind us. A strong support group that's already in place will help you make wise decisions in relationships. They'll know what your goals in life are, they'll fight for you, and they won't be afraid to wop you over the head if you lose your mind Sure, the final choice is always gonna be yours, but marriage is far more than just for companionship or for 'fun'. It's so that together, you make each other stronger Christians, but that's what any close friendship is supposed to do anyway.

Single just for now? Single always? It doesn't matter. Your life doesn't revolve around that. You have a family, a handpicked family.

But I suppose there are the negatives: if you're perfectly happy with your life, if it's filled, then where does a guy fit in later on? Some of us will have to carve a space out. Some of us will have decided that this singleness fits us. It isn't because we're scared of the intimacy that comes with these dating relationships which may or may not lead to sacred marriage or because we can't stand the idea of having to consider someone else's needs again or being interrupted by people on a regular basis. It's because marriage isn't meant for us. And that's perfectly alright because we won't ever be alone. If something doesn't fit, it doesn't have to be forced. And taking time to make up your mind is alright, too.